Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!
by karniverous pineapple
Summary: Set after SBHFS. Georgia and the gang are at school the next week, where they are summoned to Slims office. Waiting for them is an old man who goes by the name of Professor Dumbledore. That's right: the Ace Gang go to Hogwarts! ooo updated
1. More Mould Than Cheese

**Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!**

**Chapter One: Something More Mould Than Cheese**

**Disclaimer: **Don't own either book. And if I did, I would be a damn sight richer and I would've employed someone to bring back blue smarties ;)

**Dedication: **Dedicated to all of you who've had exams, and especially those who have had GCSEs.

**Song: **Franz Ferdinand – The Dark of the Matinee

**Authors Note:** Came up with this idea while on holiday in France. I only found the internet café on site on the last day so I couldn't type it up.

**Saturday 16th July**

**In my room. Never coming out again ever.**

**11:50pm**

OhmyGod.

OhmyGoddyGod.

I cannot believe this.

It is beyond unbelievable.

I hate my life.

**11:51pm**

Again, OhmyGod.

Absolutely bloody typical.

The Italian Luuuurve Stallion finally says that he wants to be my boyfriend-type-person, and then literally two seconds later the Original Sex God (whose name I will not mention this side of the grave blah blah blah) gets out the car.

What right does he have to be getting out of cars when I very nearly have Masimo all to myself?

I hate him.

**11:55pm**

And what right does he have to talk to me?

**11.56pm**

Oh God it was soooo awful. He got out the car and I turned round and looked at him – phwoar! He was all tanned and gorgey looking. I am pretty sure that my mouth was wide open – that must have looked attractive. The Sex God looked at me and I was suddenly melting in his eyes (not literally, I am not made of wax).

He hugged me and then he took my hands (again, not literally, they are still attached) and then he said the fateful words:

"Georgia, I should never have gone to New Zealand, I should never have left you. I thought it was the right thing to do but I love you and I should never have gone. I'm so sorry. I love you."

I couldn't have said anything then if my life had depended on it. I just stared at him.

**11.59pm**

I hate him twice. However I like to think I handled the whole situation with sophisticosity and dignity.

**12.03am**

HA.

**12.04**

I just looked at him.

Then I looked at Masimo.

Then at Robbie.

Then over to where Jas and Tom were standing.

Then I looked at Masimo and Robbie again.

And then I ran.

**12.10am**

Mutti came barging in. She was wearing the usual teenage prostitute outfit but I didn't even notice, I was so upset.

She said: 'How was the gig, Gee? Did you have a nice time?'

I just looked at her and then, horror of horrors, I started to blub. Mutti was actually almost nice and I ended up blurting out the whole story.

Mum hugged me at the end and said to me: ''Don't worry, Gee, it will all sort itself out, I promise.' Then she hurried off downstairs.

**12.25am**

I'm going to sleep now. I never want to wake up.

**Sunday July 17th**

**8:35am**

Awake. Awake at half past eight on a Sunday. That's how bad this is. Everybody else is asleep. Even the crazy kittykats are snoozing on my bed. Oh well, I suppose I should make myself some breakfast.

In the kitchen 

**8:45am**

Yeah, right. The last time I checked, half a Dairy Milk, two cans of beer and something that was more mould than cheese did not count as breakfast.

**8:50am**

Oh Gods, what am I going to do? Everything was fabby for about two seconds when Masimo wanted me to be his girlyfriend, but then Robbie had to come back and spoil it all.

**8:52am**

Masimo is the Italian Stallion.

**8:53am**

But Robbie is the Original Sex God.

**8:55am**

If I went out with Masimo, it would really annoy Wet Lindsay.

**8:56am**

But Robbie was my first ever real love.

**8:56 and a half am**

Masimo does excellent nuzzley neck thingy.

**8.57am**

But Robbie does ear snogging.

**8.58am**

Dave is the king of nip-libbling.

**9:00am**

DAVE? WHY IS DAVE IN MY HEAD?

There is no room in the oven of love for him, it's full enough as it is. He can stay the hell out my brain.

**9:05am**

I can't stand this. I'm going to church.

**9:10am**

No, I can't bring myself to go to church, it's too boring. God will forgive me in time. He is apparently a merciful God, and I think I am about due some mercy.

**9:30am**

Joy of joys, my 'family' are awake. Vati came bounding into the kitchen all cheerful. What right does he have to be cheerful? Then Mutti came in, wearing a terrifying nightie thingy that should quite clearly never have seen the light of day. It was all I could do to keep my two squares of Dairy Milk down.

**9:35am**

And now Libby is here. She broke into the fridge and ate the last square of Dairy Milk and the cheese before anyone could stop her. She even ate the mould.

I said: 'Don't eat that, Bibbsy, it's not healthy.'

She looked at me and gave me a really scary smile. Her mouth was open and I could see all the mushed-up mouldy cheese. I feel ill.

**9:45am**

Thank God, they have all buggered off somewhere in the clown car. They invited me along, but when they mentioned Uncle Eddie I politely declined.

**10:30am**

I'm going out for a walk. I can't stand all this being in an empty house stuff.

**12:00pm**

I am never going on a walk again, it's boring and crap. Still, at least I am not at home, waiting for the phone to ring.

**1:00pm**

**Still walking**

I really wish I had some money for lunch. I'm starving.

**2:30pm**

**Sitting on a fence near a field somewhere**

Why do people go on walks? It's so pointless. Also I am still starving, but I can't bring myself to go home.

**4:00pm**

It's raining. Typical British summertime. I'm going home now.

**5:00pm**

Crikey, got home to SIX messages on the answer machine! I feel almost loved!

One from Jas: 'Gee, why did you run off like that last night?'

Masimo: '_Ciao _Georgia, I am phoning to be saying that if you are still wanting to, we can be going out.'

Ro-Ro and Sven: 'Oy, missus! You missed the practice Viking wedding!'

Robbie: 'Georgia, I'm sorry if what I said last night upset you, I just wanted you to know how I feel. I'm sorry. Please call me.'

Ellen: 'Georgia, what did Masimo, I mean, what did he say… did he, you know, like, well, you know, well, um, yeah, do you like, do you know, what did he…' (I skipped to the next message at that point.)

Jas (again): "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Robbie, but Tom made me promise… I thought it would be a nice surprise for you. Are you alright? What's happening with you and Masimo? Or is it you and Robbie? Call me."

**5:15pm**

I'm not calling anyone. What would I say?

**5:30pm**

Oh God, the doorbell is ringing. I have déjà vu. Well, I'm not answering it.

**5:32pm**

I really wish I'd closed the curtains before I began ignoring the doorbell. Now I'm stuck in the kitchen so that no one can see me through the windows. I can't even go upstairs.

**5:35pm**

Doorbell still ringing. Leave me alone. It will only be Masimo to say "you are dumped", or Robbie to say "sorry, I'm going out with Lindsay instead".

**5:38pm**

Phone's ringing. Nice try. I'm not falling for that one again.

**5:50pm**

Thank God, whoever it was has gone away.

I am going to watch some nice relaxing television.

**6:15pm**

I am never watching the news again; it could rival Call-me-Arnold in depression-ness.

**6:30pm**

Being on the rack of love is really boring.

How I long for the good old days of the Cosmic Horn.

Now I am burning in the oven of love.

And being fattened up in the bakery of pain.

But at least I am not in the cake shop of aggers.

**6:50pm**

I am burning in the oven of love, being fattened up in the bakery of pain, and now I am also in the cake shop of agony, thanks to Angus and Gordy. They are obsessed with feet. I can't walk.

**7:07pm**

Found a packet of Mini Cheddars for tea. Yum yum.

**7:30pm**

Still bored.

**8:00pm**

I heard the clown car pulling up outside, so I ran into my room and pretended to be asleep.

What a life.

Or lack thereof in my case.

**Authors Note: **I know there was no mention of anything Hogwartsy in this chapter. That's because chapters one and two were originally one chapter, but then I realised that with double spacing between chapters it was too long, and I had to cut it in half.

Anyways… either read the next chapter or review! Or both, preferably.


	2. Witchcraft and Transvestitism

Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat! Chapter 2: Witchcraft And Transvestitism Disclaimer: They haven't brought back blue smarties yet, therefore I think it is safe to assume that I don't own either book. Dedication: Dedicated to everybody that ever mourned the blue smartie. 

**Authors Note: **This was meant to be in the same chapter as chapter one, but it was too long so I cut it in half.

Read away.

Monday July 18th 8:30am Met Jas at the bottom of her road. She was beside herself. 

'Gee! What happened on Saturday? Why did you run off like that?'

I said: 'Jas, it's a sensitive issue, please shut up.'

She completely _ignorez-vous_edme though.

'What did Masimo want to talk to you about?'

'Jas, please…'

'Come on Gee…'

For once she was actually prepared to listen to me. I was quite shocked. She wasn't even talking about slugs or ponds or newts. In fact I was so stunned that I nearly blurted out the whole sorry tale. However whatever may happen, I will always have my dignity. I will not be telling Radio Jas anything.

**8:45am**

I have accidentally told Jas everything.

She was actually vair vair nice about it all. She gave me a hug. It all made me feel a bit blubbish. I said to Jas: 'Jas, I can't take much more of this. Something really good needs to happen soon.'

Jas thought for a bit (scary) and said: 'Um, Stalag 14 is out for summer at the end of the week.'

The thought of six whole weeks without Slim, Hawkeye, Elvis, Wet Lindsay, Miss Stamp etc did cheer me up for about five minutes. Then we got round the corner and I could see school and I just felt the will to live slowly creep out of me.

**9:10am**

**Assembly**

Got to assembly. Usual Klingon salute with the gang, then I got to my place between Rosie and Jas. The Ace Gang were all looking at me like looking-at things. I just said: 'Tell you at break, or German, whatever's first.' They all nodded wisely until Hawkeye gave us the evils.

The usual routine in assembly: quick burst of song, followed by a short coma while Slim gave us her world-famous speech on whatever it was she was talking about. I was just coming out of my coma when I heard Slim say: 'Georgia, Jas, Rosemary, Julia, Ellen and Mabs, go to my office straight after assembly.'

What fresh hell? I looked at the gang. They looked back. We didn't get chance to do the shrugging thing because Hawkeye gave us the evil eye (again).

**9:15am**

Standing outside Slims office. I said to the gang: 'What did we do?'

They all shrugged. Rosie said: 'Once again we are the scapegoats of a generation.'

I am used to being here on my own, or with Rosie, but all six of us? The last time that happened was when we did the egg-box nose thing for the school photo.

OhmyGod! Maybe they noticed the beauty-spots-on-upper-lips thing!

I quickly repeated this theory to the rest of the gang. They all went: 'OhmyGod!'

Jools said: 'It's either that or we're being blamed for Wet Lindsay's Hitler moustache.'

Mabs said: 'Either way, we're not getting out of there without a bad conduct mark.'

Great. I said: 'Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse.'

**9:20am**

Slim came barging along. She was wearing an attractive (not) grey suit that in my humble opinion made her look more like an elephant than ever before. She just said: 'in my office, NOW!' I was pleased to see that at least she had thought to provide chairs for us. However I was not pleased to see an immensely old man sitting opposite. Judging by his clothes, this man was the very epitome of the elderly mad.

Slim came in and said: 'Girls, this is Professor Dumbledore.'

I immediately had to fight an uncontrollable laughing spaz. Admittedly I only read the first Harry Potter book but this was just plain weird.

Professor Dumbledore (cough) said: 'Good morning. Now, I expect you have all heard of me, am I right?'

I nodded because I thought I would crack up laughing if I had to talk. But the Dumbledore bloke wasn't finished yet.

'I have come to offer the six of you a place at Hogwarts next year.'

That was too much. I burst out laughing and Rosie followed a second later.

**9:28am**

Well that was just plain weird.

And also bloody hilarious.

Slim looked all disapproving at us when we were laughing but the Dumbley bloke actually smiled. Once we were under control (ish) he said: 'This is a serious matter.'

Jas said: 'Magic isn't real.'

Dumbles just smiled. 'I assure you it is.'

Mabs said: 'Prove it.' And then he did this most amazing thing! He got out his wand (oo-er) and pointed it at Slim, who looked rather alarmish. And then he turned her into a pig!

Happy days!

**9:40am**

Unfortunately Dumbles turned Slim back into a person. I personally couldn't see the difference but there you go. Then he turned back to us. We all did spontaneous applause and even a bit of cheering.

He said: 'I am offering you all a place at Hogwarts next year. Miss Simpson has already informed me that she is happy for the six of you to miss a year of Muggle education.'

Understatement! She would be over the moon at the thought of getting rid of us for a year!

Jas said: 'What about Harry Potter?'

Dumbles said: 'He'll be in sixth year, like you, next year.'

Jas (the Harry Potter expert) said: 'But the Harry Potter books are set in the nineties. The last book was set in '96. It's 2006 now. The dates don't add up.'

What is she, a Time Lord? Actually she can't be, I have watched Doctor Who (well, two episodes) and the Time Lords were a lot better looking than she is.

And they were all men.

Dumbles actually smiled. He muttered something about how it was people like us who always ruined good fanfiction (whatever) and then he said: 'Don't worry about that.'

I said: 'So, what, we're all witches or something?' and Dumbles just nodded wisely.

It wasn't as wise as the Ace Gang's wise nodding.

We all stared at him for a bit. Then Jas said: 'Do we have to go?'

Dumbles said: 'No, not if you don't want to. I'll give you until the end of the school day to think about it.'

Then Slim said: 'Get back to your lessons now, girls,' and we all ran away.

**9:52am**

**Loos**

Instead of going to German we decided to have an Emergency Ace Gang meeting in the loos. We were all quite literally full of confusiosity and whatnot. Eventually Ro-Ro brought things to an order (ish).

'Who here has actually read all the Harry Potter books?'

Nobody said anything. It turns out that the only person who has read more than two is Jas, and she has only read up to the fifth one. None of us have read the sixth book. In fact, Ellen and Mabs haven't read any of them. Still, you would have to live in a hole not to know about Harry Potter, so even they knew most of the characters.

Jools said: 'Who would've thought that we were all witches?' And we all did wise nodding.

I said: 'I always knew we were different. It is just a pity that Slim and Hawkeye never recognised the magic in us.'

Rosie said: 'Yes, it's a shame they mistook it for a lack of maturiosity.'

'But what are we going to do about it?' said Mabs. 'Are we going to go to Harry Potter land or stay here?'

We were all thinking about it when the bell went. Bugger and thrice bugger. There is no way we will be able to talk in Maths, Miss Stamp and her moustache will be on full Nazi patrol now that they only have five days left to inflict torture on us.

**Break**

**Emergency Meeting II**

Jazzy Spazzy started off the meeting by saying:

'I want to go, but then I don't want to have to leave Tom for a year.'

Jools and Rosie nodded along. It's alright for them, they all have boyfriends to leave behind.

We were all eating cheesy snacks when Wet Lindsay slimed by. She gave me the most evil look I have ever had the misfortune to see.

I said to the gang: 'I have to go. If I stay here, Wet Lindsay will kill me.'

That accidentally prompted the gang to ask me what had happened on Saturday. In my new mood of baring my all (oo-er) I told them everything. Luckily my news has taken second place to the completely bizarre events of this morning.

Slim was a pig!

Lunch 

Ellen and Mabs are comingwith to Harry Potter land! Ellen says it is because she wants to find another boy and get over Dave (crikey!). Mabs wants to go because she thinks it will be 'a laugh'. She is not wrong. I have seen Dumbledore's beard.

We looked at Jas, Rosie and Jools. We still have to convince them to leave their beloveds (and Sven) and comewith to Hogwarts.

Jools said: 'It does sound like fun.'

I said: 'Just think, an entire year without Slim and Hawkeye! A whole year with no mention of Blithering Heights or MacUseless or whatever else Miss Wilson wants to bore us to death with.'

The others were getting into it now.

Mabs said: 'A whole year without Miss Stamp perving at us in the showers.'

Jools said: 'A whole year without Maths!'

Rosie got really into it and yelled 'TWELVE MONTHS WITHOUT ELVIS!' We all did spontaneous cheering at the thought of no more cranky caretakers.

I think we have them almost convinced.

Games 

We are doing tennis in Games. Luckily for us Miss Stamp is busy teaching Nauseating P. Green to serve. That will take all lesson, which means that we can sit on the grass next to the tennis courts and sunbathe and talk instead of having to do exercise.

Jools said: 'I think Rollo will understand if I go to Hogwarts. And we'll be back at Christmas.'

I said: 'What about you, Rosie? Can you leave your fiancé for four whole months?'

Ro-Ro said: 'I'm not sure. After all, we are engaged.'

Mabs said: 'You aren't getting married for a million years, you can be apart for four months.'

Rosie nodded. 'Alright then.'

Excellent! Now we only had Jas to convince!

I put my arm around her. 'Come on Jas, pleasey please. Think of all the learning we can do there.'

The rest of the gang looked at me in alarm but I raised my eyebrows to let them know not to interrupt.

Jazzy Spazzy said: 'I suppose it would be very interesting.'

I said: 'It's a once-in-a-whatsit opportunity, Jas. And remember, Hunky left you for six months to snog marsupials. He won't mind if you go.'

Jas said: 'I guess you're right.'

Rosie asked her: 'Are you in?' and Jas nodded and said: 'I'm in'.

We all cheered and then Jools yelled: 'All for one and one for all and one more for the road.'

Mabs added: 'And all roads lead to Rome!' Then we all did more cheering and did the Viking disco inferno dance (minus the horns, which we had left at home to avoid yet more bad conduct marks).

Sudden thought: If we're not coming back next year, we can get all the bad conduct marks we like!

Excellent!

Blodge 

I am actually feeling almost excited about going to Harry Potter land. Luckily we are all allowed to sit together at the back in Blodge so we were able to talk about it. It has been several lifetimes since I read the first Harry Potter book, so I had to ask Jas all about it instead.

'Jas, what do wizardy-types wear?'

'Robes.'

'_Robes?_ What do they look like?'

'You saw what Dumbledore was wearing.'

'But he's one of the elderly mad! He was practically wearing a dress!'

Jas nodded.

'Does everybody wear robes there?'

Jas nodded again.

'Even the boys?'

Nod nod.

OhmygiddyGodspyjamas, we were going to a transvestite school!

Home-time 

On our way to Slims office, to tell Dumbledore that we will be going to his school of witchcraft and transvestitism.

We thought that we would celebrate our almost-freedom by doing the Viking disco inferno dance. Unfortunately the slimiest slime of them all (Wet Lindsay) slimed over and threatened us all with bad conduct marks. But nananananaaa because we only have four more days left of Stalag 14 before we are freeee, to do whatever… um, yeah, we're free.

I said to Wet Lindsay as she slimed off: 'Lindsay, if you can just refrain from being your usual Hitler-ish self, you might not have to put up with us at all next year.'

She looked at me like a confused stick insect in school uniform (which she is) and then slimed away.

Slims Office aka Torture HQ Dumbles was waiting for us. He was reading a magazine and he looked up when we came in. 

'So, what have you decided?'

We, the Ace Gang, all looked at each other. Then I spoke.

'Um, we'd like to go to the Hogwarts place.'

'Please,' added Jas. I glared at her but she didn't notice.

Dumbles and Slim both smiled like they were really happy. Dumbledore may well be the first teacher in the history of the world to actually smile when he found out we were going to his school.

'Excellent! Splendid! Right, well I will need to inform your parents.' He handed us all letters. 'Please give them these letters and tell them I will see them tomorrow. In the meantime, don't tell anybody about the magical world.' He nodded at Slim and shook hands with all of us before he disappeared into thin air. Literally.

We all just stared at the empty space for a few seconds. Then it occurred to us that we were voluntarily in the same room as Slim the human pig and we ran.

**4:20pm**

Four more days of Stalag 14 and then we are free for a whole glorious year!

**4:25pm**

I'm going to Hogwarts!

**4:27pm**

No more Slim!

**4:28pm**

No more Hawkeye!

**4:30pm**

We're free!

Well, in four days we will be.

**4:35pm**

No more Slim!

**Author's note: **Enjoy it? Mostly written when I was completely and utterly hyper. ;) Nevermind…

There will be another chapter up soon, meanwhile you know what to do (hint: it involves the little purpley box entitled 'review').


	3. I'mgoingoutwithMasimo

**Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!**

**Chapter 3: I'mgoingoutwithMasimo**

**Disclaimer:** If I owned either series, I would not be working seven-hour shifts for a measly three quid an hour.

**Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to everyone who's getting their GCSEs on Thursday. I am dreading that day, mostly because I have to wake up at nine but also because of my results.

**Author's Note:** Thanks to all my lovely reviewers, you all had me quite literally dancing around the room.

**Monday 18th July**

**6:30pm**

I gave Mutti and Vati the letter from Dumbledore. They immediately looked suspicious. Vati didn't even open the letter, he just said, 'What have you done now, Georgia?' Which I personally found rather offensive.

I said: 'Just read the letter, would you, it's all explained in there.' After several more centuries of suspicious glances they opened the letter.

Mum looked relieved. 'Georgia, why didn't you just tell us it was parents evening?'

What? Parent's evening? I really hope that was a whatsit. A cover up story thing. It better not be a real parents evening. I saved my parents the bother of going to the last one by throwing the letter in the bin.

**6:45pm**

Hmm, it has been two days since Masimo and Robbie both told me they wanted to go out with me, and I haven't had a single phone call from either of them. Well, except for the messages they left on the answer machine yesterday.

Two minutes later 

But surely if they were that desperate to go out with me they would have phoned again since then. Oh well.

**6:55pm**

I'm bored. I think I will phone Jas.

**7:05pm**

In the hall 

Now I know why I haven't had any phone calls from anyone. Angus and Gordy have chewed through the phone cord!

**Two minutes later**

Why would they chew through the phone cord? Why?

**Three minutes later**

I am actually quite relieved. It saves me all the stress of having to talk to people. Now I can have a nice, relaxing evening.

**7:30pm**

Wrong. When Vati found out about the phone he went ballisticus. He yelled, 'Those bloody cats will have to go!'

Yeah, as if. Like he would ever be able to get rid of Angus and Gordy.

**8:00pm**

Mutti has phoned for an electrician-type person to come fix the phone. Vati said he'd fix it but we just looked at him. He went off to the pub to sulk.

**8:30pm**

The electrician person will be here in a minute to fix the phone. Why that requires my mother to wear the shortest skirt in existence and high heels, I do not want to know. Also, what sort of person wears high heels inside their own home?

At least she has been unable to phone up all her 'aerobics' mates.

**8:45pm**

Hahahahaha, the electrician arrived and he was about a million years old! Not to mention the grumpiest person alive, with the possible exception of Elvis Attwood and my vati. Mum went red, pointed to the phone and then ran upstairs. When she came back down she was wearing jeans. I raised my eyebrows at her and she glared at me.

**9:00pm**

The electrician had just finished with the phone when the crazy kittykats came in. Gordy immediately went for the phone cord. After I'd dragged him into the kitchen the electrician said, 'Creatures like that should be put down. It's not natural behavior.'

I was about to glare at him to let him know I thought he was an utter fool. However Angus got there first and completely savaged the electricians ankles! Supercat!

**9:15pm**

The electrician hobbled away. Mum had to give him a whole extra tenner because of the ankle thing. It seems a bit unfair that Angus savages my ankles at least twice a week and I never get any money, but there you go. That is God for you.

**Tuesday 19th July **

**School**

Slim and Hawkeye are being almost nice to us today. We only got two bad conduct marks for doing the Viking disco inferno dance in the corridors. It's only because they are soooo happy that we are leaving forever in three days.

**Home time**

'Parents evening' is at six. If it is really parents evening I will kill someone. Preferably Wet Lindsay or Slim.

Jas elbowed me and said, 'Look at the gates.'

Against my better judgement I looked. Oh my God, Masimo was there! What was he doing there? If he was here for Wet Lindsay I would kill them both.

Just then we saw Wet Lindsay strop past Masimo. He didn't even notice.

I made the gang shield me while I rolled over my skirt and applied some lippy and mascara. Then I made them leave me alone.

OhmyGod, I was going to have to walk out the gates like a normal person. No limping and definitely no pretending to be a hunchback. Nose sucked in, flicky hair, flicky hair, lalala, oh yeah, no singing, and not under any circumstances should I mention the Viking disco inferno dance.

Blimey. What many people do not realise is that it is actually very hard work going out with an Italian Stallion.

I must try not to say anything too bonkers.

**One minute later**

I walked up to Masimo. He kissed me on the cheek. Bloody lezzie auntie kiss again. Then he said, '_Ciao_, Georgia. I have been missing you. I tried to be phoning you, but there was no answer.'

I said, 'The cats ate the phone cord and Angus attacked the electrician.'

So much for saying nothing bonkers. At least Masimo laughed, and then he took my hand and led me over to his scooter. I could see a load of other girls from school glaring at me. Hahahahaha.

**Five minutes later**

At his scooter Masimo said to me, 'Georgia, I know that maybe you are having second thoughts about us now that Robbie is back, but I really like you and we would be good together. What do you say?'

I said, 'Yes, that would be fabby fanks.' I had completely forgotten about Robbie. He had dropped completely out of my head, along with my brain. And Masimo smiled at me and then he kissed me. Properly. Number four (three minutes without a breath). Then he said, 'Maybe you would be liking to go out tomorrow? I can pick you up after school.'

Yesss!

'That would be beyond marv,' I said, smiling with my tongue behind my teeth and trying not to let my nose run riot over my face.

I could see the Ace Gang watching me and I really wanted to tell them everything so I said, '_Excuse-moi_, I must just run back to school and pick up my… umbrella.'

Why? Why did I say umbrella when it is five million degrees and there isn't a single cloud in the sky? Why?

Luckily Masimo didn't seem to mind because he kissed me again and then said, 'I will see you tomorrow.' Then he drove off.

Excellent, I am now the official girlfriend of the Italian Stallion!

**6:00pm**

** School**

So here we are at the magical meeting thing. Everybody's families are here, as well as Slim, Hawkeye and Dumbledore. Mutti and Vati had eventually realised that it wasn't parents evening and went back to giving me suspicious looks.

Slim is standing up. She is almost a walking chin.

**7:30pm**

Well that was odd.

Dumbles explained to our olds that we were magicky and that would we were leaving for Hogwarts in September. Then he performed some magic to prove it all to them. To be honest Vati looked a bit too pleased at the thought of getting rid of me for a year. He was smiling in a highly unattractive and scary way. It doesn't do a great deal for father-daughter relationships.

Once we left Stalag 14 Mutti hugged me (scary) and said, 'Gee, why didn't you tell us you were a witch?'

I said, 'You mean besides the fact that I only found out yesterday and you would never have believed me anyway?'

But she just smiled. I ran ahead to talk to Jas before she could start the 'when did my little girl get so big?' routine that is so popular with crap parents the world over.

**9:00pm**

Could life be any more fab? Not only am I the girlfriend of Masimo, the Italian Stallion, but I have a whole year free from my parents and Stalag 14. How utterly great is this?

**9:30pm**

Life just got a bit less fabby.

The newly-repaired phone rang. I answered it. It was Robbie. The Original Sex God.

Bugger.

He said, 'Hi, Georgia, it's Robbie.'

I said, 'Hi,' being certain to suck in my nostrils so that my nose didn't explode over my face. I don't know why, since as far as I know Robbie doesn't have x-ray vision. Still, I never knew about the magic kingdom (Hogwarts, not Disneyland) until yesterday so I can't be too careful.

Robbie said, 'Did you get my message?'

It was then that I dropped the phone on my foot. Ouch and buggery ow.

'Gee, are you there?'

'Yeah. Um, Robbie, I have to tell you something. I'mgoingoutwithMasimo.'

'What?'

'I'm going out with Masimo.'

There was a long silence filled with nervosity on my part.

'Oh.'

Yeah, that just about sums it up, matey.

'Look, you were in New Zealand. I didn't know when you were coming back. I met Masimo and I moved on. I'm sorry.'

Blimey, I had managed to say four entire sentences without mentioning anything bonkers. This must be a first.

Robbie said, 'Right. Well, I guess I'll see you around then, Gee.'

Oh bugger, he was upset with me. Crap.

'I'm sorry Robbie.'

'Goodnight Georgia.'

'_Bonne nuit_,' Damn, I wasn't even speaking English. It didn't seem to matter though, because he'd already hung up. Great, he was having a huff and a strop. Marvelous. Fanks, God.

**Wednesday 20th July**

**8:00am**

Up at the crack of eight o'clock to pack my bag for Stalag 14. Should I take my jeans or skirt?

Oh God, I'm not going through all that again. It's a million degrees outside. Skirt.

**8:10am**

I have crammed all my clothes and make-up into my bag. Phase one is complete.

**8:35am**

Walking to school with Jas. She was being a bit cold with me.

Jas said, 'Tom says that Robbie was really upset when you dumped him for Masimo.'

What?

'I didn't dump him, we weren't even going out in the first place.'

'Whatever. Anyway, I suppose he's free to go back out with Lindsay now.'

_Merde_, I hadn't thought of that. Still, what do I care? I'm going out with Masimo.

**Assembly**

How amazing is this? Elvis is retiring on Friday and there is going to be a special leaving party for him! Excellent! That will be a hoot and a half.

I said to Rosie, 'It will be a fitting end to his school career if he manages to break his back again.'

Ro-Ro nodded and said, 'At least we are guaranteed some entertainment. Elvis will almost certainly do an impression of the real Elvis at some point during the evening.'

That's when Slim announced that there was going to be kareoke. I thought I would break a rib trying not to laugh at the mental image of Slim singing.

**Break**

I was busy chatting to the Ace Gang about Masimo and Robbie when Wet Lindsay slimed past. She gave me the evilest look in the history of the world. I just raised my eyebrows, because I am going out with Masimo whereas she has nobody.

**Maths**

What on earth is the point of learning trigonometry? When will we ever need to use that in the real world?

**Physics**

Ditto molecular structures. Such a load of crap. Who cares about protons and neutrons? What do they have to do with my life?

On _le plusieme_ side, while Herr Kamyer was raving on about nukes and stuff, I was able to do my make-up.

**Home time**

Quick dash to the loos to get changed and apply the final touches to my make-up. Lippy: check. Mascara: check, check. Boy entrancers… nah, too much trouble.

Hair? Seven out of ten bounceability-wise. Seven is fine, since it will only get ruined when I put on the stupid helmet.

**Ten minutes later**

I made the Ace Gang shield me from the Nazi patrols. I made it to the gates and then I could see Masimo! Phwoarrr!

Jazzy Spazzy was being almost nice and she said, 'Call me later, tell me all about it.'

Then Masimo kissed me (number three) and then we got on the scooter and headed off into the sunset.

Well we would've if it had been sunset. As it was we just went off into the boiling sun.

**8:34pm**

**On the phone to Jas**

'Hello?'

'_Ciao_, Jas, tis I, Georgia.'

'Oh.'

'Jas, don't you want to hear from me, your bestest pally?'

'Um…'

'Jas, stop annoying me.'

'It's alright for you, but I'm trying to work out how to tell Tom that I have to leave him for a year.'

'Shut up Jas, I want to tell you all about my date with Masimo. It was soooo fabby!'

'Was it?'

'Yes, it was. Anyway, be quiet and let me tell you all about it. It was so groovy. We went off on his scooter to the woods-'

'The woods that he dumped you in?'

Jas is unbelievable. She can be such a crap best mate.

'Shut up Jas. So we got to the woods and then we snogged-'

'Oo, what number?'

Finally she was taking an interest.

'Six. And then we went back to his house and he cooked me some pasta type stuff, and then he told me all about the next Stiff Dylans gig, and then we snogged again, and then he took me home on his groovy scooter, and then he kissed me goodbye.'

'Wow.'

'I know, fab isn't it? Anyways I have to go now, see you at Stalag 14 tomorrow, bye.'

And then I hung up before she could say something stupid and annoy me.

**Authors Note: **Next chapter will be Elvis's party! I think it will be up soon, since I have nothing to do. Also, I'm kind of enjoying writing it. Although I get my GCSE results on Thursday, which I am dreading, I will try and update within a week.

**To my lovely reviewers: **

**thebubblesareafterme **(I love your name), **mila**, **LunarAshe**, **Nadee**, **SimplyMarvy**, **catherine**, **bubblepopfizz**, **Lavena**, **kumquat** and **Hen Diva, **thank you very much. I love all of you (no threat intended). And to **Malicia-Sirkis**, bonjour! Je parle un peu francais. Un petit peu. It made my day to get a review from a French person:D

In the meantime you should all let me know about possible pairings at Hogwarts. OH YEAH, and tell me what songs to make everyone sing too! I've already got Elvis sorted out grins evilly but let me know about the rest. Like, Slim and all the teachers. mwahaha Be as outrageous as you like. ;)

P.S. When I eventually finish this story I will be putting a glossary at the end, so let me know if there are any words which should go in it.


	4. Dave the Goth

**Bloody Hell, A Talking Hat!**

**Chapter Four: Dave the Goth**

**Disclaimer: **I can't be arsed to type it all out but you should all know it by heart by now.

**Dedication: **I would like to dedicate this chapter to Steve Irwin (rest in peace) and Richard Hammond, aka Hamster (he survived! Yesss!).

**Authors Note: **ooo I updated! Took long enough. School has started and is a right bugger. Apparently AS levels are somewhat important so they are giving us all craploads of work. Will try and update a bit more often.

I don't like this chapter a great deal, which would explain why it took so long to come out. Oh well. The next one will be up sooner.

**

* * *

**

**Friday 22nd July**

**8:15am**

Sun is shining, birds are tweeting, and the beautiful smell of breakfast is floating up the stairs. Alright, so I made the last bit up, but the rest is true. Today is the last day of Stalag 14 and then the six weeks hols are here and the sentence is over!

**9:15am**

**Assembly**

Excellent, the Foxwood lads are going to the Elvis party. That should be a hoot and a half. I wonder if Dave the Laugh will be there? Still, what do I care, I am after all going out with a Luuurve Stallion.

**9:40am**

I feel almost sad, this will be our last Physics lesson for an entire year. How I will miss Herr Kamyer and his Germanosity. And his socks, he was wearing a most amusing pair today. Long and wooly with a weird tartan-esque pattern, which is rather foolish since we are in the middle of a heatwave.

**Break**

Rosie said, 'Can you believe that we don't have to come back here in September?'

Jools said, 'I know, it is quite literally a bloody miracle.'

Jas was being all mopey because she has to leave Hunky for a whole year. I politely told her to get over it and she went off in a huff. But never mind Mrs Huffy Knickers, today is a day of celebration.

I mentioned this to the gang and Ro-Ro said, 'Yes, a VIKING day of celebration! HOOORN!'

Then all did the Viking disco inferno dance and were awarded two bad conduct marks apiece.

**Noon**

At lunch me and Rosie went to find the titchy firsties. They both seemed very disheartened to learn that we were leaving but perked up when we announced that we were leaving them in charge of mayhem in our leave. Ginger titch even promised to keep up the staring-at-Wet-Lindsay's-forehead plan.

**Maths**

Rosie said to me, 'It just won't be the same next year without Miss Stamps moustache'.

Jools said, 'Yes, it will be a great deal less terrifying'.

And we all laughed like drains.

**Home-time**

Thank God that's over! Six entire weeks of nothingness await us now! All those long, long days of sunshine and snogging and some other things that I can't think of. It's going to be great!

**5:30pm**

Or not. Vati burst through the door grinning like an escapee from the loony bin (which he probably is).

I said as politely as I could, 'Vati, can you please stop the scary smile, I would like to be able to eat this pop-tart without throwing up.'

He didn't even go off in a mood. He just continued to smile maniac-style.

'Guess what Gee!'

Oh no, not guessing games. Hopefully he's going to tell me that Uncle Eddie fell down a well or something.

'I've booked for us all to stay on a campsite in the Lake District for three weeks! We leave tomorrow!'

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

**5:45pm**

How absolutely bloody typical. After all these months of work I finally get the Italian Stallion to go out with me, and now we are off to the bloody Lake District for half of the bloody holidays.

This is sounding awfully familiar…

**5:46pm**

I hate my family.

Twice.

**6:45pm**

It's almost time for Elvis's party, but I'm really not in the mood for celebrating. I suppose I do have a moral obligation to the Ace Gang to go though.

Plus, Elvis is almost certain to break his back at some point during the evening.

**7:00pm**

I cheered up somewhat when I met up with the Ace Gang. Rosie was wearing one of those huge coats that people use to smuggle drugs and alcohol in, even though it is bloody boiling. I asked her what was in it and she opened the coat and showed me.

It turns out that as a thoughtful gift Sven has given her a huge bottle of vodka. Apparently we are all going to spike the teachers drinks for the sheer fun of it.

All of a sudden I was really glad that I'm leaving for the land of lakes tomorrow, because if they catch us they will definitely kill us.

**7:30pm**

To say that this party was organised by the twisted sadists at Stalag 14, it's actually not too bad. I saw Rosie sneak off in her ludicrous coat a few minutes ago, so I can only assume she is off to spike drinks.

Oh Godfrey, Dave the Laugh and the rest of the Foxwood lads have just arrived. Let nobody say that they did not arrive in style. I have no idea why they have all gone Goth but I must say it is rather hilarious.

**7:45pm**

Dave the Goth came over while I was getting a drink. I couldn't help but stare at him.

He said, 'Oy, missus, stop checking me out. I know I'm gorgeous, but you're supposed to be going out with that homosexual handbag-wielding Italian bloke.'

I gave him my worst look and I was going to ignore him, but I just had to ask why he'd gone all Gothic.

**7:55pm**

Turns out that Emma has dumped Dave! I asked why but he wouldn't say. Oh well. I asked him if that was why he's gone Goth. He said that Rollo and the rest of them all got a bit carried away when they realised that Dave was supposed to be depressed.

**8:00pm**

He doesn't look very depressed to me. _Au contraire, _he's doing an Irish jig right now.

**8:15pm**

Went over to Jas. I said, 'Jazzy, Dave the Goth has broken up with Emma!'

She said, 'Do you think he looks Goth? I would've said he was more emo myself.'

'Perhaps, but 'Dave the Emo' doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it?'

'Maybe 'Emo Dave' would work better.'

'But Dave's always been Dave the something. It just doesn't work otherwise.'

'True.'

It was then that the karaoke began.

**8:30pm**

I can safely say that the vodka has taken full effect. If I live to be five hundred, I never want to hear an Abba song again.

**8:40pm**

Ditto Madonna.

**8:48pm**

Ditto any form of music ever again ever.

**8:55pm**

It did make me laugh when Dave and Rollo did a cover of the Cheeky Girls 'Touch My Bum', complete with actions. If I was Jools I would be a bit worried, but she was laughing like a drain.

**9:10pm**

Jools is snogging somewhere with Rollo, I saw Mabs heading out with some Foxwood lad, Jas is in Jas-n-Tom land and Ellen is hanging round Dave. So much for getting over him, she's hanging onto his every word. There is also no sign of she-who-shall-not-be-named, aka Wet Lindsay. I can see her tragic friends but she is not with them.

I said to Rosie, 'I do hope she hasn't contracted bird flu and died a slow and painful death, that would put a slight dampener on the party atmosphere.'

Rose said, 'Maybe she's just really critically ill.'

I'd like to think that were true, but I mustn't get my hopes up.

Oh cod, Dave is coming over.

He walked right up to me and said, 'Hello, Sex Kitty, we meet again.'

I looked around for Rosie but she had disappeared. Where did she go? She was here two seconds ago.

Dave asked if I wanted a drink. I asked for a pint of Carling but he just looked at me funny.

**9:12pm**

Oh no, Slim is getting on stage. I said to Dave, 'Dave, I really don't want to listen to this. I'm going outside.'

He followed me outside. Bugger and damnation. Whenever we went outside together we ended up getting to number six.

I will just have to say to him, 'Dave, look, I am in a relationship and we can't do this any more. I'm sorry.'

**9:15pm**

Even from all the way outside I can hear Slim murdering a Queen song. Why Queen? Of all the bands in the world, why did she have to kill Queen? I bet poor Freddie's turning in his grave.

**9:17pm**

I had just said, "Dave, look' when he said, 'Look, Gee, I know you're in a relationship with that handbag bloke, and we really shouldn't do this anymore.'

What the hell? I was going to say that!

Unfortunately Dave wasn't finished yet. He looked at me all sadly. 'Once more for old times sake?'

I was about to protest, but my lips had developed their own brain and were completely ignoring me.

**9:25pm**

We had just reached number six when Jas came running out.

'Gee, quick, Elvis is about to – oh.'

Me and Dave sprung apart like a pair of springing things. I know for a fact that my head was doing its world-renowned lobster impression; i.e. going bright red.

Jas stared at us for a minute, then mumbled something about Elvis singing in a minute or so before heading back in.

Dave had already started to walk away so I followed Jas back inside.

**9:29pm**

I made Jas promise not to tell Ellen or anyone about me and Dave accidentally snogging (again). She has agreed, but now I have to help her find a way to break it to Tom that she's going away in six weeks.

Luckily I'm going away tomorrow so I won't have to do anything. Excellent!

**9:31pm**

Everyone is betting on what Elvis will sing. Jas thinks it will be the Beatles, Ellen reckons it'll be 'something cheesy', Jools and Mabs think that he will live up to his namesake and Ro-Ro is almost certain that it will be Mambo Number Five. I just try not to think about Elvis singing.

**9:34pm**

Elvis is getting onto the little stage thingy where the karaoke is. Good luck and God bless all who sail in him.

I said to Jas, 'No one's getting out of here alive.'

Jas said, 'It won't be that bad. It'll probably be funny.'

And then we heard the opening lines of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'.

**9:36pm**

I can safely say this is like nothing I have ever heard before, or ever want to hear again for that matter. What worries me is that Elvis actually sounds somewhat similar to Jacko. I thought I would die of laughter.

**9:37pm**

I said to the gang, 'Is there not something wrong with the fact that Elvis is singing a Jacko song in the middle of a room full of young children?'

I thought Jas would choke to death on her drink, but she didn't (more's the pity).

**9:37 and a half pm**

I said to Dave, who happened to be nearest, 'Do you think he's going to moonwalk?'

Dave grinned and then headed over to where the rest of the guys were standing. What's he up to?

**9:39pm**

Thank God, the song is almost over. I haven't laughed so much in ages! Elvis has stopped singing now, and the music is fading.

Wait a second. What are Dave and co are shouting?

It sounds a bit like 'Moonwalk! Moonwalk!'

**9:40pm**

By popular demand Elvis is going to moonwalk. This should be interesting.

**9:41pm**

Hahahahahahahahahah! Just when I thought this day couldn't get any more hilarious! Elvis moonwalking has to be the funniest thing known to man!

**9:41 and forty seconds**

Heheheheheheheheheh! This is excellent! I could watch this forever and not get bored!

Elvis is a bit near the edge of the stage though…

**9:43pm**

OhmyGod! Elvis has tripped over his own feet and fallen backwards off the stage!

**9:45pm**

Amongst the laughing I distinctly heard Elvis shout 'I think I've broken my hip!'

Jas looked at me and said 'Elvis has broken his pelvis!'

And we both laughed like laughing things on laughing gas.

**Walking home**

**10:00pm**

The ambulance showed up a few minutes ago and ruined the party atmosphere so we're all heading home. Jools said, 'I can't believe we didn't even get the opportunity to tell him that we know about his nuddy-pants mags.'

Bugger. That would have been an excellent comedy thingy. Oh well, I'm sure there will be a cantankerous old caretaker at Hogwarts for us to take the piss of.

Although hopefully the new caretaker won't have such a scary Michael Jackson persona.

**10:30pm**

Got home and had to phone Masimo to tell him that I'm going away tomorrow. I hate my parents. Masimo sounded all sad and told me to phone him when I got there. He told me that the Stiff Dylans have got some gigs lined up for the next couple of weeks and I told him about Elvis falling off the stage. We would've talked for longer but then my Vati came barging in moaning about me wasting money talking crap on the phone. It seems a little harsh to me, when you consider that for the next three weeks I wont even have a phone. Except for crappy payphones, but to be honest those are more like public urinals anyway.

I hate my family. The only good news is that Uncle Eddie has to 'work' and therefore won't be coming with us.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Gah! Thank God that chapter's over! The next chapter will mostly be a filler chapter, just taking up some time before Hogwarts, but the chapter after that will be Diagon Alley.

Thankyous very much to all who reviewed. Some of you even reviewed twice, so double thanks to you all.

Next chapter will hopefully be up in a week or two.


	5. They've Eaten the Prat Poodles

**Chapter Five: They've Eaten the Prat Poodles**

**Disclaimer: **Don't own nothing.

**Dedication:** This chapter is dedicated to Morrissey, for the simple reason that he is an utter legend.

**Authors Note: **Sitting here, listening to some good music and feeling really glad to be alive. Maybe because it's Christmas soon, maybe because school is almost over, but the world is a beautiful place right now.

I know it's been a long time coming, but here it is: chapter five. Enjoy.

**Saturday 23rd July**

**3:30pm**

A million hours of driving in the crappy clown car to the middle of nowhere. Nothing but sheep and hills for as far as the eye can see. Surely nobody can survive three weeks of this? I haven't seen so much as a payphone, yet alone a shop or public house.

**3:45pm**

Excellent, Mutti and Vati are putting up the tent. Half of me is utterly horrified that we are living in a tent, but the other half knows that watching my parents attempt to put up a tent will be hilarious in the extreme.

**4:15pm**

I was right, this is hilarious.

**4:25pm**

Vati has just attempted to hammer in a tent peg and has instead managed to whack himself on the thumb with the hammer.

**4:27pm**

He saw me laughing and went ballisticus as usual. He told me to make myself useful and get some water. I was about to tell him to bloody well get it himself but I couldn't be arsed (and also he was wielding a hammer at the time).

**4:44pm**

Getting water from some rusty tap in the middle of a field. How primitive. Why don't we just sell the house and live in a cave?

**5:05pm**

I've been gone over half an hour; they must have put the tent up by now.

**5:15pm**

Even by my parents standards this is bad. The tent is a heap of canvas on the floor and Libby has stolen one of the tent pegs as her latest 'fwend'. Mr Peg has joined Our Lord Sandra, scuba-diving Barbie, Charlie Horse and the rest of them.

**5:45pm**

Eventually the Welsh man on the pitch next to us helped Mutti and Vati put the tent up. When I say 'helped', what I mean is that he did pretty much everything. Mum hung around in her ludicrously short skirt attempting to flirt with the Welsh guy and Vati held up some poles or something.

Oh well, at least we have somewhere to sleep now.

**7:40pm**

Vati is attempting to cook something on a tiny little crappy camping stove. Hopefully he will set fire to his recently grown back beard.

**8:20pm**

He still hasn't managed to cook anything edible. I wonder if Pizza Hut deliver to campsites?

**Late**

The tent has fallen over.

**Sunday 24th July**

**Late**

The tent has fallen over again.

**Tuesday 26th July**

**Late**

The tent has fallen over again.

This is beyond a joke.

**Thursday 28th July**

**2:50pm**

I am never staying in a tent again.

**Friday 29th July**

**10:00am**

Oh joy de whatsit, Mutti and Vati have decided that today would be a good day to go trekking to the top of one of the many mountains around here. Why? What's the point?

'Vati, what is the point of walking fifty miles up a mountain, only to have to walk all the way back down again.'

He said, 'Just wait until you get to the top, Gee. All that fresh mountain air and the brilliant view.'

'Vati, I don't care about the mountain view or the freezing cold air at the top. I am more concerned about being able to walk for the rest of the holidays.'

He just went grumbling off.

I want to go home.

**12:00pm**

I managed to persuade the olds to let me stay and guard the tent from dogs and bears and any Blair witches lurking around. Of course I am not actually going to stay in the tent all day, I am off to check out the social hotbed that is the nearby village.

**1:30pm**

So far I have found a post office and a Spar.

**1:45pm**

And a crappy little second hand store.

Still not a phone box in sight.

**2:15pm**

A phone box! Thank you baby Jesus! Never in my life have I been more happy to see a red metal box.

**2:20pm**

Who should I call first, Jas or Masimo? My besty mate or my boyfriend?

Just realised that I am going to need some time to prepare to speak to Masimo, otherwise I will come across as a fool and an idiot, with just a hint of utter twat.

On the phone to Jas 

**2:22pm**

'Hello?'

'Jazzy! It's me!'

'Who?'

'Me, Jazzy, your very bestest mate who you love.'

'Oh, it's you.'

'Of course it is. Now say it with some enthusiasm!'

'No.'

'That's more like it. How is life back in merry old England?'

'The Lake District is in England, Gee. You're in the same country.'

'Don't be stupid. How is everyone?'

'All good. We're going to Skeggy tomorrow.'

I very nearly hung up at that point. The Ace Gang, going on a trip without one of the Ace? Sickening.

I think Jas could tell something by the fact that I wasn't saying anything.

'Look, Gee, you could come with us, but you're in the Lake District.'

Silence.

'Look, we're all going to London with you when you get back.'

Silence.

**2:30pm**

We have come to an understanding. When I get back Jas has to buy me anything I want. Within reason, unfortunately.

Now to call my one and only, Masiiiiimo!

**2:45pm**

Excellent. There is no one in. I suppose it's not his fault that everybody else in world apart from me has something resembling a life, but still.

I want to talk to him sooo much! It's been years since I've spoken to another human being, yet alone someone half-sane.

It's probably best that there is nobody in. I would only make an absolute prat of myself on the phone.

**3:00pm**

God, I really want to talk to someone normal. How much longer before we get back to Merry England?

**4:00pm**

I got back to the tent to find Mutti and Vati sitting outside with a bottle of wine.

'How was the walk up the mountain?'

It turns out that they walked for half an hour before they had to return for health and safety reasons (i.e. portlyness in Vati's condition, and general nunga-ness for Mutti). To be absolutely honest they are an embarrassment to the English nation.

**5:46pm**

Oh God, I still have another two weeks of this. I want to kill myself.

**5:56pm**

I hope Angus and Gordy are alright without us. I do hope Grandvati has remembered to feed them. I do not want to get home to find them starved to death.

**5:58pm**

Yeah, right. More likely I'll get home to find that they've eaten the Prat Poodles.

All's well that ends well then…

**Sunday 31st July**

**4:30pm**

It rained all day yesterday and now we are practically living in a swamp. Joy _de vivre_ and whatever, but I want to go home.

**Wednesday 3rd August**

**12:15pm**

In just over a week I will be home. That is all I need to remember. Just over a week.

Dammit, I want to go home now! I miss Masimo and all my lovely Ace Gang. I miss Angus and Gordy. I even miss Mr Next Door and his giganticus shorts.

I think I may be slightly ill. Bird flu, probably. I'll start sprouting feathers and then I can fly home. Although Masimo might not like his girlfriend to have feathers. Though he did used to like Owlie, so maybe feathers aren't so bad.

Oh nooo, if I turn into a bird I might end up like Lindsay. The lack of feathers was the only way anybody could tell she was human and not giant mutated bird.

I've really freaked myself out now. Stupid countryside.

**Friday 5th August**

**Afternoon**

I phoned Jas again. She says that the Stiff Dylans have got a gig next Thursday, but I don't get back until next Saturday. How annoying is that?

**4:23pm**

Welsh bloke has gone and now we have some new neighbours. They arrived in a caravan thing that was the size of a small country. I think they may be German.

**4:47pm**

It turns out that they are Belgian. Well, I wasn't far off.

They are worryingly friendly. They've only been here half an hour and they've already shown us around their big fancy caravan and arranged to go into the village with us later.

**5:46pm**

I wonder why the Belgians are cooking stuff over a tiny gas fire outside, when they have a huge oven in their caravan. Apparently it's all part of 'getting back to nature'. To me it just seems like a way of making an otherwise simple task more complicated, but let them call it what they like.

Eight days left.

**Saturday 6th August**

**Midnight**

I have made some new besty mates in the form of the Belgian kids next door. I would be happy but to be honest I have enough 'mates' as it is, without some strange foreign ones as well. Also although one of the boys is my age, he sort of resembles a cross between Spotty Norman and Godzilla. And I mean that in a nice way.

Plus they have been following me around all day. I don't know how to escape from them. Tents do not offer a great deal of privacy.

**Monday 8th August**

**3:15pm**

I was so utterly bored with tent life that I allowed the Belgian kids to drag me to the village. Why is this place so utterly crap? There was nothing to do so I went to the Post Office and wrote a postcard to Angus and Gordy. I know they can't read, but it's the thought that counts.

**3:30pm**

I had just posted the card when Alex, the Belgian guy, said to me, 'This Angus, is he your boyfriend?'

Eeeeeew! He thinks I am going out with a cat! Erlack! What is wrong with these people? Maybe bestiality is part of society on the continent, but it sure as hell isn't here.

Actually I don't think Alex knew that Angus was a cat, but I couldn't be bothered to explain any of that to him, so I just nodded.

**3:55pm**

Eeew.

**4:05pm**

Note to self: NEVER go to Europe. Just in case.

**6:45pm**

Sitting in the tent listening to the rain outside. Mutti and Vati and Libbs have gone to the pub with the Belgians, but I pretended to have a headache and stayed in the tent. It seemed like a good idea but now I'm bored out of my mind. Tents are crap. There is nothing to do.

**6:55pm**

Still bored.

**7:08pm**

The Belgians didn't lock their caravan when they went out…

In the interests of being neighbourly and whatnot, perhaps I should check there are no burglars in their caravan.

That and Alex had one of those mini playstation things that lets you watch DVDs. I think it would help pass the time very nicely.

**7:15pm**

Although technically that is known as breaking and entering.

**7:18pm**

Actually, since they didn't bother to lock the door I'm not breaking any laws.

Maybe.

I don't know, I don't take Law.

**7:25pm**

**In the caravan**

Can't find the psp. Bugger.

**7:30pm**

Nosing through their stuff. Alex has a worrying amount of 'lad mags'.

**7:32pm**

Looking out the window. Even the curtains are all posh and fancy.

**7:34pm**

I've just seen an old man pulled over by his Labrador. Very funny.

**7:35pm**

Why is this place so crap?

**7:37pm**

Bored of snooping around. I think I will head back to the tent and go to bed.

**8:56pm**

It's raining now. It just gets better and better.

**Tuesday 9th August **

**3:33pm**

Still raining. It's like living in a swamp. I got covered in mud trekking to the shower block and back.

**5:45pm**

I was so desperate to get out of the rain that I went into the Belgians caravan and pretended to be sociable for a couple of hours. It kept me dry but now I am exhausted from having to be nice to people.

**6:28pm**

What I have to remember in times like these is that I will be home in a couple of days, then I am off to London to buy stuff for Hogwarts, and after that I have an entire year free from my family.

**Wednesday 10th August**

**Midday**

Raining, raining, raining.

Swamp swamp swamp.

**2:55pm**

Bored bored bored. Still raining, of course. Typical British weather.

Libby wanted to go outside earlier but I said, 'No, Libbs, it's raining cats and dogs out there.' Which was a stupid thing to say because she has spent the entire day watching for any falling wildlife. And hitting me with Mr Peg once in a while because she's been watching for three hours and hasn't seen anything.

**4:15pm**

It's so boring here. I'm going to have to trek to the campsite shop for some chocolate.

**4:50pm**

I made it to the campsite shop and I'm only covered in mud up to my knees, which is an improvement. And I found both a Dairy Milk and a Mars Bar.

Now for the long journey back.

**6:35pm**

It looks like thunder. How fantastic. I just know that the tent will be struck by lightning and will burn down. Probably with us all inside.

**7:15pm**

Vati told me not to worry about the tent being struck by lightning. He said a few flashes of light were nothing to be afraid of.

Then there was a huge clap of thunder and he jumped about five feet in the air and squealed like a little girl. Putting his head through the roof of the tent, I should add. And all the water that had been pooling up there came crashing in.

Of course he couldn't just leave it as that. He had to fall over with half the tent still round his neck, knocking down the entire tent and everything in it.

Why does this sort of stuff only ever happen to me?

**7:30pm**

Every single thing in the tent is completely covered in mud.

**8:30pm**

Vati did try to put the tent back up but it was beyond repair. On the plus side, we get to go home tomorrow because we have nowhere else to stay, but on the poo and _merde_ side we have to spend the night in the Belgian peoples caravan. And it looks like I am stuck in these same clothes for the next ages, since everything else I own is covered in mud and isn't fit to clean sewers with, let alone wear.

**10:30pm**

I am lying between Libby and the weird Belgian boy. Libby is poking me in the cheek with Mr Peg and I am trying to avoid any contact at all with Alex.

If God is really up there, He must be laughing His head off at me.

**11:15pm**

I want to cry. I bet Jesus never had to do anything like this.

**11:20pm**

At least I will be able to go to the Stiff Dylans gig tomorrow. I will be able to see Masimo at last. Although what will I say to him? '_Ciao_, Masimo, I wrote a postcard to my cats and I spent last night in the same bed as a Spotty Norman lookalikey and a tent peg. Oh yeah, and I was stalked by some Belgians who thought I was going out with a cat.'

I hate life.

**Thursday 11th August**

**10:30am**

Oh thank God and sweet baby Jesus, we have left at last. I am so stupidly happy that I have been smiling uncontrollably for the last forty-five minutes.

Unfortunately I now have a million hours driving in a clown car with my family to look forward to.

**3:30pm**

Home sweet home sweet home! I threw myself through the front door and into the waiting claws of Angus and Gordy. I was so happy to see them I didn't even notice them sinking their teeth into my arm. Well, not until it was too late anyway.

**3:36pm**

I will phone Jas, my besty mate, and then I am going to have a shower and get ready for this gig thing.

**3:44pm**

'Hello?'

'Jazzy, _c'est moi, ta grande amie!'_

'Gee?'

'Yes, Jas, tis I!'

'Oh.'

'Jas, Jas, guess where I am!'

'On the phone?'

Oh Jesus Christ with bells on…

'Funnily enough I am, Jas. But guess where the phone is!'

'In a phone box?'

'_Non, ma petite copain, c'est dans une maison!_'

'Georgia, that's called breaking and entering.'

'No, Jazzy, because it is my house!'

'What?'

I explained all about the rain and Vati breaking the tent and the Belgains.

The gang are meeting at the clock tower at half past seven. I have only three and a half hours to get ready.

**5:45pm**

No time to give my hair bounceability, it will just have to go straight instead.

**6:05pm**

Why is everything in the wash?

**6:45pm**

In the end I settled for my black skirt, knee-length boots and red strappy top. I can't be bothered with boy entrancers, and besides, I am too jet-lagged to be able to put them on properly. I've applied multiple layers of mascara instead.

**6:55pm**

Half-inched Mum's black bag then went through the lippy/lip-gloss debate in my head. Decided to go for lip-gloss, since I haven't seen Masimo for three weeks and I fully expect there to be lots of snogging.

**7:25pm**

Met up with the gang, who were all rather surprised to see me. I told them my tale of tents and Belgians and at the end they nodded wisely. I have no idea why.

**8:15pm**

The place was packed when we arrived. We found Dave the Laugh and the rest of the Foxwood lads, then I went looking for Masimo. One of the lads pointed me in the general direction of the dressing room.

**8:20pm**

A quick trip to the tart's wardrobe to check my make-up. I was so nervy about seeing Masimo again that I could barely apply mascara. In the end I asked Jas to apply it for me, but then she got shaky hands too. In the end we both ended up laughing too much, and I decided to leave the mascara for now.

**8:25pm**

I am stupidly excited about seeing him. I need to calm down so that I don't act like a complete and utter twat.

**8:31pm**

Here goes nothing. I opened the dressing room door...

**8:31pm and two seconds**

And burst into tears.

He was in there alright.

With _her_.

**8:32pm**

Masimo said something but I slammed the door and ran out to the Ace Gang. I could hardly see because my eyes were all full of tears but I heard Jas say 'Gee, what's wrong?'

I mumbled something along the lines of 'Masimo…dressing room… Wet Lindsay… number eight…'. Then Dave came over and put his arms around me and I started blubbing into his shoulder.

**8:35pm**

I was still crying into Dave's shoulder when Masimo came over and tried to talk to me. 'Tried' being the operative word. He said, 'Georgia, I am so sorry' and then I pulled myself away from Dave and turned around. He tried to apologise but I ran away before I burst into tears again. I went outside to the bus stop and all the Ace Gang followed me out. Masimo grabbed my arm and told me that Lindsay didn't mean anything to him, and then I screamed at him to leave me alone.

Then the most amazing and surprising thing happened! Robbie came over (which was shocking in itself since I had no idea he was at the gig) and he pulled Masimo off me and punched him straight in the face!

**10:35pm**

The bus arrived straight after that and me and Jas and the Ace Gang all got on it. Jas is even letting me sleep over at hers tonight. She's off making milky pops right now.

**10:38pm**

I hate him.

How could he do that to me?

**10:46pm**

Does this mean that he was with her all the time we were supposedly going out?

I want to kill myself.

**10:48pm**

Kill him more like.

**10:55pm**

You know who I hate even more than Masimo? Wet Lindsay. How could she do that?

I hate them both.

**11:04pm**

Jas came in and caught me crying. For once she actually acted like an almost good friend, which only made me cry harder.

**12:45am**

Jas is asleep. It's alright for her. She hasn't had her heart ruthlessly broken by some stupid Italian git and his sad slime of a girlfriend.

Too bad that he now has a broken nose.

**12:50am**

Serves him bloody well right.

It was nice of Robbie to punch him like that for me.

**1:15am**

Why is life so unbelievably crap?

**

* * *

**

Authors note: Yet another chapter that I have taken a disliking to. Never mind. I will try and post the next one soonish.

If I get ten billion reviews I will update by Friday. Otherwise it'll be the usual ten year wait.

You should all tell me whether you want them splitting up at Hogwarts, house-wise. Otherwise I may end up shoving them all in Hufflepuff. Also, let me know if there are any words you want shoving in a glossary thingy at the very end of the story.

**FOR THE FRENCH AMONGST YOU:** For my French AS level, I have to write a ten minute speech on French music, which I know very little about. If anybody has _any_ information about bands, singers, gig venues, festivals, record labels, music magazines and programs, I would be so very grateful. Just point me in the general direction of some useful websites or something. Please.

**OH YEAH, HAPPY CHRISTMAS!**

And in case I don't update for a while:

**HAPPY NEW YEAR N'ALL!!!**


	6. I am the Eggplant

**Chapter 6: I am the Eggplant**

**Disclaimer: **If I wrote both Harry Potter and the Confessions… series, would I really be typing this on a crappy old computer that doesn't even have the interweb? No, I think, is the answer ye be looking for.

**Dedication: **Dedicated to James Brown because he was such an effin leg-end.

**Author's Note: **Apologies for my lack of updating, but exams, school and work all got in the way. Still, exams are over now (thank cod), but I've got to wait til bloody March for the results.

It's snowing right now. It never snows in Britain. So surreal.

So this chapter was meant to be Diagon Alley. But that joy will be saved for another day. Enjoy:

'What a life it would be, if you could come to mine for tea, I'll pick you up at half past three, we'll have lasagne'

**

* * *

****Wednesday 17th August**

**3:15pm**

After having spent the last six days hiding in my room feeling sorry for myself I have allowed Jas to drag me round to her house to discuss our various plans for the wizardy world. We, the Ace Gang, are off to London (!) on Saturday, and what is more is that we have convinced everybody's various parents that we are both old enough and sensible enough to go on our own. Oh yesss!

**3:25pm**

Sitting in Jas's room eating poptarts. Yum yum. Waiting for the rest of the gang to arrive. I hope they hurry up, Jas is wittering on about owls or something. I'm not listening, I'm singing a song in my head instead.

**3:31pm**

Thank God, the doorbell just rang. No more pretending to be interested in whatever Jas has to say about wildlife.

I just heard Rosie yell 'HOOOOORN!'. Good grief.

**3:35pm**

We are all squashed up in Jazzy Spazzy's room, making our preparations for _le grande trip a la Londres_.

Jas has decided to make a list of everything we are going to do, and the order in which we are going to do it. So far all the list says is 'get on train'. When I helpfully suggested that 'get off train' should be the next point Jas gave me a 'look'. I would take offence but I can't be bothered right now.

**4:17pm**

This is the list so far:

Get on train.

Get off train (ha).

Get on tube.

Get off tube.

Find the wizard place.

Buy wizard stuff.

Gather whatever money we have left and hit muggle London.

Once the list was written Jas put on some music and we all did the Viking Disco Inferno dance. I thought my head might drop off with redness but instead we all collapsed all over Jas's bedroom floor after about five minutes.

I think it is safe to say that none of us are exactly in our prime, fitness-wise.

**4:25pm**

Rosie looked at me upside-down from where she'd fallen over on the bed and said, 'So Gee, what's happening with Masimo?'

I wanted to shrug off the question but the whole gang were looking at me like looking-at things.

Jools said, 'Did he call you?'

I nodded. 'Twelve times in four days.'

'What did he say?'

'I don't know, I didn't pick up the phone.' Whenever the phone rings I've been waiting for it to go to the answering machine before I pick it up, so that I know who's phoning. It drives Mutti and Vati mad, but you can't have everything.

Jas was looking at me again. 'Tom said that he saw Masimo with Lindsay yesterday.'

WHAT?

**4:35pm**

Thinking about it (which I try not to), Masimo and Lindsay are quite well suited for each other. She is a slimy octopussy-owlie type person, and he is a horrible slimy cheating Italian twat. It is almost a match made in heaven.

**4:38pm**

God, I hate them. I hope they fall off a bridge and die.

**4:45pm**

Jas just asked me, 'So what are you going to do about Robbie?'

Eh?

'What about him?'

'Well, he did punch Masimo in the face for you. And he's been asking Tom to ask me about you.'

Oh God. Just when I thought life couldn't get any more complicated.

**4:48pm**

It_ was_ nice of him to punch Masimo for me.

**4:54pm**

What do you do to say thanks to someone for punching someone else in the face for you? Send them flowers? Give them a box of chocolates?

**4:56pm**

I asked the gang what to do.

Jools said, 'What did you do to thank Dave the Laugh when he punched Mark for you?'

I was about to say that I couldn't remember, but then Jas got there before me.

'Number six probably.'

Oh, thanks a lot, my supposedly bestest mate. Luckily Ellen was in the bathroom.

**4:57pm**

I am so utterly full of confusiosity, it's a wonder that I can still breathe. Also I am having to _ignorez-vous _Jas, which is slightly tiring but somebody has to do it.

**My house**

**6:30pm**

Got home to find my darling little sister has invaded my bedroom and put all of my cds in the wrong cases. Fun. It took me years to put them back in the right cases, and I still can't find my Beatles cd.

**6:45pm**

What on earth am I going to do about the Masimo/Robbie fandango? Obviously I never want to see Masimo again this side of ever, but that does not exactly help with the Robbie thing. Does he still like me? He did a couple of weeks ago. Surely he wouldn't hit Masimo if he didn't like me. Unless it was just because I'm his little brothers girlfriends besty mate.

In times like these I think that all I can do is eat lots of chocolate and watch a movie.

**7:15pm**

Mutti and Vati have gone out with Uncle Eddie and they have taken Libby with them, so I have the house to myself. Except for Angus and Gordy, but they are out terrorising local residents so they'll be gone for hours.

I am in my jimjams and I have dragged my duvet all the way downstairs to the sofa. I have a large bar of Dairy Milk and a mug of hot chocolate.

What to watch?

**7:40pm**

I have looked through our entire video collection and found exactly bugger all to watch. Marv.

**9:55pm**

So utterly bored that I thought I would watch the Sound of Music. Two words:

Never again.

The doorbell just rang. It will probably be Mr Next Door, asking me to drag Angus and Gordy away from the Prat Poodles. Why does he have such crap pets? A real dog wouldn't be frightened of a cat.

Although the cat in question _is_ Angus so perhaps it's not quite so surprising…

**10:16pm**

It was Rosie and Sven. No sooner had I opened the door then Sven had picked me up in one arm and Rosie in other and started walking down the street, shouting 'Oh ja! Groovy baby! These boots are made for valking!'

Rosie was laughing her head off but I was in my jimjams, half upside down, being carried away by a Swedish (maybe) madman singing Abba songs.

I shouted to Ro-Ro, 'Make him stop!'

But she was too busy laughing hysterically to bother.

I was able to escape at the end of the street when Sven got distracted trying to climb into one of those grit-salt box things. I ran the entire length of the street back to my house and locked the door.

I dread to think what the neighbours must have thought.

**10:20pm**

Ha. I had forgotten for a moment that our neighbours are not entirely normal. Mr Next Door has a bottom the size of Cornwall and the Across-the-Roads have a twelve year old nymphomaniac for a son and once held a Lord of the Rings party. What is more, they didn't even have the common sense to slam the door in my Vatis face when he turned up in green tights.

**10:40pm**

Angus and Naomi have taken over my room. I really don't see why I cannot have a lock on my door. I have tried asking Vati to put a lock up but you might as well ask for the moon. Not to mention that Vatis DIY skills are pretty much non-existent. I have not forgotten the shed falling down on Uncle Eddie.

Or the foot through the ceiling incident.

Or the time he 'fixed' the fridge and the electrician asked if there was anyone who might be holding a grudge against us.

**11:15pm**

I have kicked out the kittykats and I am all snuggled up in bed. The cats did not go quietly; my hand only stopped bleeding five minutes ago.

**Thursday 18th August**

**9:45am**

The whereabouts of my missing Beatles cd was solved when Libby burst into my room at half past six singing 'I am the eggplant, I am the eggplant'. I suppose I should be grateful that she has moved on from 'sex bum', but instead I rolled over and went back to sleep.

**10:30am**

Vati is out flooding people and Mutti has gone shopping with Libby. Mum did ask me if I wanted to go with them, but I politely declined.

**10:45am**

Bored. I think I will arrange all of my cds in alphabetical order.

**10:53am**

I got as far as C before I realised that I couldn't be bothered.

Still in a state of utter confusiosity over the Robbie malarky. What should I do?

**11:15am**

Cleaning the bathroom as a favour to Mutti (and also because I sincerely hope that God is watching and planning for some gorgey _garcon_ to come and take me away from here).

**11:19am**

The doorbell just rang. Surely it is not some gorgey bloke delivered straight from God?

I did a quick mascara and lippy check, just in case.

**11:21am**

I opened the door. Mr Next Door was stood there with Angus on the end of a rake.

**12:54pm**

Doorbell rang again. It can't be Mr Next Door again, can it? Doesn't he have anything better to do?

**12:57pm**

I opened the door to find a quite literally drop dead gorgey bloke standing there. He had longish blond hair and a tan and really groovy blue eyes. Yummy scrumboes.

After a quick internal thankyou to God I managed to blurt out, 'Hello.'

He smiled at me. It was a very nice smile. Then he said, 'G'day there little missy, how are you all doing? I've come all the way from Utah in the United States of America to talk to you about religion. Do you believe in God?'  
Oh Christ.

Not after this.

It took a great deal of willpower not to slam the door in his face. But he was still rather gorgey, so I stayed where I was.

**1:15pm**

It turns out that the gorgey guy was a Mormon! And he had come all the way over from Hamburger-a-gogo land to try and convert people.

I wasn't particularly interested, but I pretended to be because he was groovy-looking.

**1:30pm**

Hamburgese Mormon man has gone to ask Mr Next Door if he would like to become a Mormon, leaving me all aloney in my confusiosity. In times like these I would normally ask Dave what to do, but I haven't seen him since the gig. Plus there was that kissing incident at Elvis's party that nobody has mentioned since.

I hope Radio Jas has forgotten about that particular incident. Hopefully Elvis's spectacular demise will have wiped all traces of it from her mind.

**5:15pm**

Swiss Family Crap back with a vengeance. Libby will not stop singing her eggplant song.

**5:30pm**

Phone ringing. Oh joy.

I was going to wait for it to go to answerphone but Vati yelled down the stairs, 'GEE, IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER THAT PHONE THIS INSTANT I AM GOING TO DISCONNECT IT FOR GOOD.'

Talk about over-reacting. But I suppose I should pick up the phone.

**5:31pm**

'Hello?'

'_Ciao_, Georgia.'

Oh poo and _merde _and bollocks, it was the handbag-wielding Italian fool. What do I do now?

'Georgia, are you there?'

'…yeah.'

'Georgia, I am wanting you to know that I am very sorry about what happened at the gig. I never meant for you to have to find out. I thought you were away for longer.'

WHAT?

I cannot believe him.

I absolutely cannot believe him.

He's saying that he's sorry that I found out. Not sorry for cheating on me or breaking my heart.

The git. I hate him.

I said, with all the dignosity I could muster, 'Masimo, I am afraid that it is not going to work out between us. You are a slimy cheating idiot and I hope that you and Lindsay will be very happy together.'

By very happy I do, of course, mean die a slow and painful death.

'So you are saying there is no future for us?'

'No. Besides, I need to concentrate on my studies if I am going to become a vet. I cannot allow myself to become distracted by temptation.'

What?

But Masimo sighed in an understanding way (which was a surprise in itself, since I had no idea what I was talking about). I didn't say goodbye, I just hung up.

**6:14pm**

On the phone to Jas:

'Jas, guess what?'

'Gee, is that you?'

'Who else? Come on Jas, guess what?'

'Gee…'

'Masimo just phoned me.'

'Ooo?'

'And I broke up with him.'

There was a bit of a gasp and a slight pause.

'Good for you, Gee. Now what are you going to do about Robbie?'

'Jas, I just broke up with Masimo half a minute ago. Besides, I don't even know if Robbie likes me.'

'Wait a sec…'

Oh dear Lord, what now?

'TOM! TOM! DOES ROBBIE STILL LIKE GEORGIA?'

Anything but this…

'I thought Georgia was going out with that Italian boy?'

Oh wonderful, Jas's mutti has joined the conversation.

'Yeah, but she just broke up with him.'

I could hear Tom yelling from up the stairs.

'GEORGIA BROKE UP WITH MASIMO?'

'YEAH, SHE DUMPED HIM. DOES ROBBIE STILL LIKE HER?'

'Jas, I am going to hang up in five seconds.'

'YES, HE DOES.'

Then I heard Jas's dads voice.

'So is Robbie the Italian one or Tom's brother?'

I hung up. I may never phone Jas again. It's just not worth it.

**7:30pm**

In my room. All this breaking up with people has worn me out. I may have a little sleep.

**7:35pm**

No chance of that happening. The doorbell just rang.

'Georgia, it's for you.'

Who on earth is calling at this time of night? If it's Rosie and Sven I may just phone the police.

**7:37pm**

It wasn't Rosie and Sven.

It was Robbie.

**7:49pm**

I stood in shock for about half an hour before he said hello.

'Robbie, what are you doing here?'

He kept shuffling from foot to foot.

'Tom told me that you broke up with Masimo.'

Of course he did. I expect most of Britain know by now. Thanks a lot, Radio Jas.

He was doing the shuffley-foot thing again. Then he looked at me. Crikey, I'd forgotten about his gorgey blue eyes.

Then he spoke.

'Georgia, you know I still love you.'

What?

Oh my God. Why did he have to say that? Why?

'Robbie…'

'Please, can we just give it another go? We were good together last time.'

'Robbie…'

'Please, Gee. I'll do anything. I know I messed up last time, going to New Zealand and leaving you here, but I'll never do anything like that again, I promise.'

'Robbie, I'm going away in two weeks. To Scotland. For a year.'

He looked so utterly shocked that I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. Then he turned and walked away, without saying a word.

I just stood on the step and watched him.

**8:30pm**

He had no right to say he loves me. People can't just go around saying things like that. Surely there are laws against that sort of thing?

Now I feel really miserable.

**8:42pm**

What the hell is going to happen next?

**Authors Noteage:**

This chapter brought to you at two in the morning. Now that's dedication. (cough). I know not a great deal happened, but the next chapter _will_ be Diagon Alley (honest). It's half term now, which means a week of freedom, some of which I can hopefully use to write stuff.

Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I know it took me long enough to update, but recently I have been quite stressed out both at work and college, and also in my social life. The next update will definitely be quicker, I promise.


	7. A Worldwide Fake Fur Famine

**Chapter 7: A worldwide fake fur famine**

**Disclaimer:** If you don't know by now then you never will. Don't own nothing.

**Dedication:** To all the people what are reading this.

**Authors note: **Whoops. Accidentally didn't update for a long time. I would come up with some excuse, but I don't really have one. Yes, the school stuff did get in the way for a while, but mostly I was just being incredibly lazy. Shame on me.

_Kiss me where the sun don't shine, the past was yours but the future's mine, you're all out of time._

* * *

**Saturday 20****th**** August**

**On some train somewhere**

**9:35am**

Magic world, here we come! We, the Ace Gang, are currently on some rickety old train heading towards London. The train looks like it was built in the 1950's and is full of families with small children, but at least there are none of the elderly mad in the carriage. Besides, we all have lots of money from various parents, supposedly to be spent on school stuff but we know better.

**9:44am**

The ticket man came around to check all our tickets. He was like a train version of Elvis Attwood, complete with foolish hat. Although I doubt his Michael Jackson impression can rival Elvis's.

When he reached our seats Ro-Ro said 'Phwoooaar' very loudly and we all went into uncontrollable sniggering.

He was particularly suspicious of our tickets after that. He spent many a minute (well, two) trying to find fault with Rosie's ticket, but eventually went grumbling off to bother other people.

I said to the gang, 'I don't think the elderly mad should be allowed to work with the general public'.

Jas said, 'That's not really fair though. He's probably got senile dementia and anyway, he's not harming anyone, is he?'

I was about to respond when the train went around a particularly sharp corner and Ticket Elvis fell into the lap of a rather large woman six seats away. He couldn't get back up for a good five minutes.

I said to Jas, 'I rest my case'.

**9:52am**

Train Elvis had managed to distract me from the Robbie malarky for a few minutes, but now I am as full of confusiosity as ever. Does he like me? He said that he loved me, but then he walked off. What does it all mean?

**9:53am**

I'll tell you what it means. It means I was a Nazi in a previous life, and God is still punishing me.

**9:55am**

Actually, scrap that. If I had been German in a previous life, I wouldn't find everything Herr Kamyer says so utterly hilarious.

**9:57am**

Still confused, so I thought I would ask my besty mate Jas for advice. In a subtle way, though, so she doesn't think I just want to talk about myself.

I offered her a piece of Dairy Milk and asked her, 'Jas, has Hunky – Tom – said anything interesting recently?'

Jas fiddled with her fringe and said, 'It's funny you should ask, actually. Just yesterday we were talking about global warming-'

Oh Christ. If I wanted to talk about how the entire planet is buggered I would watch the news. Instead, I very patiently said, 'Yes, that is all very interesting, acid rain, melty ice and so on, but has he mentioned anything else, a bit closer to home?'

Jas said, 'Well, we went looking for badger footprints in the woods the other day, and-'

I was about to strangle her when Rosie, who was sitting across the table drawing her Viking wedding outfit on a napkin, said 'Jas, she wants to know if Tom has said anything about Robbie.'

Jas huffed for a bit and eventually said, 'He hasn't spoken to Robbie much recently. He said Robbie's been out looking for a job.'

I said, 'So he's back for good then?'

Jas nodded. I don't know what to think. I don't even know if I'm happy or sad. Once again I am on the rack of love and full of confusiosity. Still, at least I have chocolate.

**10:30am**

So here we are in _le Londres, capitale de Royaume-Uni_. Fantastic.

I said to the gang, 'Where now?'

Jools said, 'We wander around looking for a leaky bucket.'

Jazzy Spazzy said, 'No, we're looking for a pub called the Leaky Cauldron. It's near Charing Cross Road.'

I said, 'Where's that then?'

We all looked around. Mabs said, 'I think it's left.'

We all looked left. There was an office block.

'Maybe it's right,' said Ro-Ro. To the right there was a street. We went right.

**11:45am**

After a million hours of wandering around London we eventually asked someone for directions to Charing Cross Road. It took three attempts; the first man thought we were going to mug him and the second didn't speak a single word of English.

I said to the gang, 'Where now?'

Jas was the only one who seemed to have bothered reading the books, so it was left to her to show the way. I was a bit worried in case she spotted a piece of fungus on the floor and we had to stop for a week while she watched it, but surprisingly enough she managed to lead us to some old, run down pub.

**11:50am**

We went inside the pub. To say that this place leads to the biggest wizarding-shopping place in England, I was not entirely impressed. In fact, it reminded me all too much of the pub we once went to with Uncle Eddie, where he and Vati did their excellent (not) ABBA impersonation.

I said to Jazzy Spazzy, 'We can see a dingy pub anywhere in England, where are the shops?'

She led us out into a tiny little courtyard with nothing but a couple of bins and something that might once have been a rat. Rosie said to me, 'This place is ever-so-slightly crap. Let's forget the magic world and go shopping instead.'

Jas said, 'No, the shops are just through this wall.'

We all looked at her as if she had grown an extra head.

I said to her, 'Jas, that is a solid brick wall, and besides, it's too high to climb.'

Jas said, 'No, we just have to touch the bricks in a certain order.'

I rolled my eyes. This was unbelievable. Yes, at home the town is full of chavs and the elderly mad, but at least we don't have to stroke bricks to go shopping.

**Ten minutes later**

After half a year of Jas poking bricks the rest of us were getting decidedly bored. In fact we had all sat down on the manky cobbles and were contemplating having a picnic with the three bars of chocolate we had left from the train.

'Jas, stop trying to get through the wall and have a piece of Dairy Milk.' I was being very generous, since there were only four pieces left. However once again my kindness and generosity was completely ignored, so I don't think I'll bother again.

**Five minutes later**

The rest of us got so bored of waiting that we came up with a plan.

Rosie said, 'The wall's not really that high. If I stood on somebody's shoulders I could probably hop over it.'

Mabs said, 'Yeah, but then what?'

Rosie said, 'There are people on the other side of the wall. They could probably open it.'

I said, 'Rosie, you would have just jumped over a ten-foot wall. It's a whole new world in there. They'd probably arrest you.'

**Another five minutes later**

Jas still hadn't come up with anything sensible to say and I could feel the will to live draining away, so it was decided that Rosie would climb over the wall. Unfortunately this meant her standing on mine and Jools's shoulders, but luckily she was wearing jeans so there was no repeat of the whole 'stalking-Masimo-in-the-almost-nuddypants' fandango.

To get onto our shoulders she first had to climb onto one of the bins, which took about half an hour. After that she stepped onto our shoulders. Not a fun moment.

I said, 'Rosie, is there any chance you could hurry up? My shoulders weren't entirely designed to take your weight.'

She yelled back at me, 'Just be grateful it's me and not Slim!'

I said to Jools, 'Why in the name of Beelzebub would Slim be here?'

But she didn't reply.

**Two minutes later**

Jas asked Rosie, 'Can you see anything?'

Rosie yelled, 'Cor blimey O'Reilley! There's bloody Shrek down there!'

Jools said to me, 'Maybe that's why Slim would be here.' And we both went into a complete laughing spaz.

Rosie yelled down at us, 'Stop jiggling, you cream-faced loons!' which made us laugh even harder.

**Thirty seconds later**

The door behind us burst open and we all jumped like a herd of salmon. Me and Jools sprang away from the wall, leaving Rosie hanging there. Mabs and Ellen jumped up from the floor, and even Jas left the bricks alone for a moment. Standing in the doorway was a guy about our age. He was rather good-looking, but not really my type. Then again, I have had enough heartbreakosity to last me a lifetime.

The guy stared at us. We stared back at him. Except for Ro-Ro, who was still hanging on the wall. After about five years of staring, he eventually spoke.

'Are you alright?'

I raised my eyebrows at that. Rosie was hanging off a wall and it was quite obvious that we weren't having a picnic by the bins through choice.

Then I realised that several lifetimes had passed since anybody had spoken, and the guy was giving us all rather strange looks. Since nobody else looked as though they were about to say something sane anytime soon, I took charge.

'Ah, yes, we're all fine, thank you. In fact we were just about to go shopping, but there's a wall in the way.'

The guy laughed.

'You're new to this world, aren't you? Look, it's simple really. You've just got to tap the bricks in the right order.'

I nodded wisely, even though he was talking absolute bollocks. As soon as he'd turned to poke stones I glanced back at the gang, who all shrugged at me. Then the wall opened up and the guy led us through.

'Welcome to Diagon Alley. You'll find most of the shops you need for Hogwarts on this street.'

I looked around. It seemed rather old fashioned, and the people were wearing those weird robe things that that Dumbledore bloke had worn, but apart from that it seemed relatively normal.

'I'd better get going now, I need to meet up with some people. I'll see you all in September.' He waved at us, and then made to leave.

Ellen called after him, 'What's your name?'

'Neville. Neville Longbottom.'

And then he was gone.

I turned to the gang.

'Bloody hell.'

**12:30pm**

Ellen, Mabs and Jools have not shut up about Neville. Yes, he was surprisingly groovy-looking, but really, it ends there. He has none of that _je ne sais quoi_ that Masimo had and Robbie still has (the gits).

**12:31pm**

Damn and blast, I had been trying not to think about either of them. Still utterly, utterly full of confusiosity. Why did Robbie go off like that?

**12:40pm**

We went to the bank, to get all our money changed into something we can actually use in this world. It broke my heart to see all those tenners replaced with something heavy and metal and relatively useless. Also, these wizards don't appear to have invented good old paper money, meaning my bag weighs a bloody tonne.

The bank was quite an experience in itself, actually. It was run by midgety goblin things for starters.

Ellen said, 'Blimey, they look like something out of Harry Potter.'

We all just looked at her, until she realised what she'd said.

The building was about twelve miles long. According to popular belief, to get money out you have to travel on a sort of rollercoaster ride to the vaults where the money is kept. Seems like a bit of a waste of time to me. Clearly they have never heard of a cash machine?

Anyways, now that we are rich (sort of), it is time to hit the shops.

I said to Jas, 'What's first?'

She looked at the list and said, 'School uniform.' Which is good, because finally we are going to a school that doesn't require us to wear a stupid French hat every day.

**1:18pm**

Oh my God.

I have spent almost every day of Stalag 14 moaning about the uniform and having to wear the stupid beret all the stupid time. I never once realised just how lucky we were. Yes, Slim and Hawkeye were always moaning at us for rolling our skirts over, and the white shirts weren't the most flattering of clothes, but at least it was somewhat human, and we could make it look almost good.

We have to wear robes. _Robes_, I tell thee. And for those of you who are not in the know, robes just so happen to be quite possibly the single most unflattering item of clothing known to mankind, with the possible exception of the poncho, the anorak and the dungaree (or overall, as they say across the pond).

Anyway, this new school uniform is quite nasty. As far as I can tell, robes are pretty much like a dress, only much less pretty. And I don't care what the woman in the shop said; I refuse to believe that boys wear them as well.

Rosie said to me, 'At least at Stalag 14 we could roll up our skirts. How on earth do you roll up a robe?'

I said, 'There will be no showing a bit of knee to cheer up the nation in times of trouble now. Nobody will even be able to see our ankles.'

Jas said, 'Perhaps they're like the Victorians.'

We all turned and stared at her.

I said, 'What, they behead people?'

Jas said, 'That was the Tudors. In the Victorian period the women weren't allowed to show the men their ankles.'

What is she, a walking history book? It is very hard to care about old Queen Vic when we have a fashion emergency on our hands.

Jools said, 'At least no-one knows us at Hogwarts.' Which is a small comfort in these terrible times.

Anyway, we must look on the bright side of life. This new (crap) uniform means that we will be able to spend many a happy hour plotting ways to make the pointy hat look slightly less ridiculous.

**Ten minutes later**

'What now?'

Jas looked at the list again.

'We need to get books, magic wands, cauldrons and ingredients.'

Magic wands sounded the least boring, so off we went.

**Thirty minutes later**

We went into the magic wand shop. The sign on the door said 'Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 BC.'

Rosie said to me, 'Blimey, he must be nearly as old as Slim.'

Upon seeing the Ollivander bloke I had to admit that she was not wrong. Not only did he look like he should be dead, he was also rather creepy. And he must've had about a million wands in that place. I think we must've tried at least a hundred between us, before he let us leave.

To be honest I think the Ollivander man was glad to get rid of us. I don't know why. Yes, Rosie smashed the window and Ellen set fire to a chair, but neither of them did it on purpose, and other than that I think we did relatively well.

**2:04pm**

My wand is made of some tree and a piece of some animal. I was going to tell the bloke that I was vegetarian and a wand made of animals was against my beliefs, but I couldn't be arsed. Also, for all I know they could eat vegetarians here.

**2:10pm**

After the wand fandango we decided to get our books, figuring that it would be a great deal less dangerous. In theory, anyways.

**2:25pm**

Once in the bookshop we all split up to browse around. Jas was looking for something about fungus, Ro-Ro was looking for something Swedish for Sven, and I wanted to find a book that would tell me how to turn Wet Lindsay into an octopus. Not that there would be any real difference, I suppose, but it would be fun to try. Besides, I had to get away from Jools and Ellen and Mabs, who are still blithering on about how fit Neville was. Well, Jools and Mabs were talking; Ellen was dithering for England.

**2:40pm**

How fabby is this? There is an entire aisle devoted to turning people into stuff! Like animals, or stones.

**2:45pm**

I found the book about turning people into octopi. Is that the plural of octopus? Octopuses sounds slightly wrong. And cactus becomes cacti, not cactuses. Then again, octopuses and cactuses are hardly the same thing.

Anyway, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted (by myself). Yes, it looked bloody difficult. Took about a trillion years and none of the words were written in English. Typical.

**2:55pm**

Oh rats, I have accidentally wandered into the section about love potions and charms. Talk about rubbing it in. Everything is pink, flashy and very irritating. Clearly this is not the place for somebody who has been burned by the iron of love as often as I have.

**2:56pm**

I was just counting my unblessings when I was distracted by Rosie barging into the aisle with a rather heavy-looking book stuck to her head.

I know I shouldn't've, but I just had to ask.

Turns out she was looking at a giant furry book for Sven (of course. Even when he's not here he still manages to make everything go completely insane). Anyways, the book attached itself to her hair.

**2:58pm**

After I'd stopped laughing Rosie made me try to pull the book off. I was a bit reluctant to go near it – it had fangs, for chrissakes – but after all, I think it was Jesus who said 'a friend in need is a friend indeed', or something utterly pointless like that.

**2:59pm**

This is ridiculous. The book will not come off. It is firmly stuck to her head.

I said to Rosie, 'It doesn't really matter, this world is full of freaks. You'll fit right in.'

Luckily I was saved from her (probably violent) response by Jazzy Spazzy walking into the aisle.

**3:04pm**

Me and Jas trying to get the furry book off Rosie's head by hitting it with other books. This plan is not entirely working, but it's bloody funny.

**3:13pm**

Drat and bugger. One of the shop assistants saw Jas and me hitting Rosie's head with the books and has kicked all three of us out of the shop. I feel like a common hooligan.

**3:15pm**

I said to Jas and Rosie, 'It's a bit unfair, kicking us out like that.'

Rosie said, 'I know. How were we supposed to know the books were valuable?'

I said, 'This entire world is seriously lacking a sense of humour.'

**3:45pm**

Jools, Mabs and Ellen had to get all our books for us. I am sooo humiliated.

Ish.

**4:10pm**

After the book disaster we only have ingredients left to buy, so we are heading to an 'apothecary', whatever that is.

**4:22pm**

I'll tell you what it is; it's another name for the most foul-smelling place on earth. Except for possibly our airing cupboard.

**4:25pm**

I have been trying not to breathe too much while in this place. They have all sorts of crazy things in here. Liver, kidneys, eyeballs, hearts, from about a million different species. It's like dissection club gone crazy.

Not that we ever had a dissection club at our school, but it is the sort of thing that normal people at normal schools do. Probably.

Anyway, this entire shop is beyond disgusting. I may never complain about Angus leaving dead things in my bedroom again.

**4:30pm**

I was quite alarmed to see Rosie showing particular interest in a dragon liver.

**4:37pm**

It took the combined efforts of the entire Ace Gang to persuade Rosie out of buying the dragon liver.

**4:40pm**

I said to Jools, 'Remember the one time we did dissection in blodge? And the Bummer Twins got suspended for three days for putting a kidney in Nauseating P. Greens pencil case?'

Jools said, 'The look on her face as she opened the case will be with me until I die.'

Those were the good old days.

**4:45pm**

We have finally finished getting everything, thank God. I will not be coming back here in a hurry. This entire place is just too weird.

**5:45pm**

We managed to find the train station again. Well, I say 'we', I really mean Jas. She went out and got a map and then led us to the station. And you know what? We only got lost four times.

**On the train again**

**5:55pm**

Christ, I'm bored, and we only left the station five minutes ago. I suppose that it doesn't help that it is raining, so we can see bugger all out the window. Typical British summertime. So much for global warming.

**6:05pm**

Rosie has got some cards out. She wanted to play poker, but none of us have a clue how to play that game.

She said, 'What about rummy?'

I said, 'We haven't got any rum.'

Jools said, 'What about blackjack?' But none of us have heard of it.

Ellen suggested 'go fish', and even Jas joined in to suggest Cheat. But none of us have the faintest idea how to play half of these games.

**6:15pm**

Playing snap.

**6:30pm**

The ticket-man has asked us to keep our voices down. Apparently we are 'disturbing the peace and tranquility of the carriage'. I tried very hard not to laugh in his face.

Playing Pairs instead.

**6:40pm**

A rather large man has just sat on Mabs and Ellen's table, effectively cutting off all conversation. Typical. People can be so rude.

**6:45pm**

He has fallen asleep!

**6:50pm**

Rosie has just pulled out some of the comedy theatrical fake fur!

I had to ask, 'Rosie, why on Earth are you carrying fake fur around?'

Ro-Ro raised one eyebrow and said 'We must never forget the Boy Scout Motto.'

I said, 'What exactly does carrying fake fur prepare you for? Apart from a worldwide fake fur famine?'

Ro-Ro said, 'Don't be silly Gee, although you make a good point about the worldwide fake fur famine. I carry the fur so that I am prepared for any comedy opportunity that should present itself.'

**6:55pm**

Rosie has just stuck some fake fur onto the man. He now has a giant comedy moustache. We all went into a complete laughing spaz, only quietly, as we didn't want him to wake up.

**7:00pm**

We have arrived! Home sweet home!

The man woke up as we were getting off the train. I heard him say in a somewhat confused and dazed way, 'Why is there a moustache on my head?'

**7:05pm**

We were just walking out of the station when four guys jumped out at us. I screamed my head off, but it was only Dave the Laugh, Tom, Rollo and Sven.

Oh God, what was I going to say to Dave? The last time I saw him I was blubbing into the front of his shirt after Masimo had cruelly broken my heart.

**7:06pm**

What are the chances of Dave forgetting the blubbing incident?

**7:06pm and ten seconds**

About minus twelve, given that it was only about a week ago.

What am I going to say to him?

**7:07pm**

I don't have to worry about saying anything at the moment. Ellen is dithering over Dave like a dithering thing on dithering pills. It is almost embarrassing, the way she has so little pridenosity.

**7:30pm**

The rest of the gang have disappeared and it is just me and Dave. Even Ellen realised that she lives in the complete opposite direction to me and has walked home with Jools and Rollo and Mabs.

I am slightly nervy. Neither of us have said anything since we left Jas and Tom. Admittedly, that was only a minute ago, but it's still weird. Normally I can talk to Dave about anything.

**7:31pm**

Dave did linky-upsies with me and said, 'So, Kittykat, how are you then? Last time I saw you, you were blubbing into my shirt. It took three washes to get the mascara out.'

Bugger.

I gave Dave a 'look', and he stopped grinning and went all serious.

'So what happened with the Italian prat then? You'd better have dumped him, because you deserve much better.'

Bless him. He can be so sweet. He's such a good mate. I ended up telling him everything. About dumping Masimo and Robbie telling me he loved me and then walking off. I even told him about the immense confusiosity that I am going through right now.

**7:38pm**

'…and I don't even know what to do about Robbie, because I still fancy the pants off him. And he says that he loves me, which is quite a big thing, but I don't know if I'm in love with him.'

Dave looked at me and said all seriously, 'If you were in love with somebody, you'd know.'

I nodded along, even though quite frankly I don't believe him. If I fall in love with anybody, I will naturally be the last to know.

Oooh, does this mean that Dave has fallen in love with somebody? Maybe it's Emma. Maybe they're going out again. Ellen will be heartbroken.

We were just turning into my street when Dave said, 'If I were you, I'd decide what to do about Robbie soon.'

I said, 'Why's that?'

Dave pointed. 'He's standing outside your house, that's why.' And he gave me a quick hug and then left me all on my ownsome.

Oh God, what was I going to say to Robbie? Asides from the usual 'nnnngghhh' that seems to replace normal speech whenever I am around him. I could already feel the jelloid-ness beginning to sink in. Bugger.

Robbie saw me and said, "Hi Georgia.'

Dammit, he was still as gorgey as ever. This isn't fair.

Then I realised that I hadn't said anything. It didn't seem to matter though, as Robbie pulled out a bunch of flowers from behind him and gave them to me.

Red roses. Very snazzy. I was momentarily gobsmacked. Nobody has ever got me flowers before. Unless you count the time that Libby dug up a bunch of daffodils from the garden and put them in my bed. But that quite obviously doesn't count.

Robbie said, 'I'm sorry about the other day. It was just a bit of a shock, that's all. But I love you Georgia. Being on the other side of the world didn't change how I feel about you, and being north of the border won't change it either.'

Blimey O'Reilly, this was getting a bit romantic. It took a great deal of self-control not to just snog him on the spot. But no, we had been through this all before, and it resulted in muchos heartbreak and crying on my part. I don't want to go through all that again.

I said, 'I'm leaving in less than two weeks, and I won't be back til Christmas. It didn't work last time. What if it's the same this time?'

Robbie took both of my hands in his, and said, 'Me and Tom have been talking about it. He doesn't want to be apart from Jas until Christmas either, so we'll come and visit you and Jas all the time. We'll drive up as often as we can.'

Crikey. He was going to drive all the way to Och-Aye-Land just to see me! This was like we were practically married!

'So what do you say, Georgia? Will you be my girlfriend?'

I said in a sophisticated and dignified way, 'nnngghhhh.'

I could see Robbie trying not to laugh. I couldn't trust my brain not to say anything stupid, so I nodded instead. Robbie gave me the most hugest grin ever. He has the most gorgeous smile. And then he kissed me (number four). Blimey, I had forgotten what a great kisser he is. Yummy scrumboes, and also scrummy yumboes. I think my brain may have slightly dropped out, but nevermind. The important bit is that I have my very own Sex God back, and he loves me!

Thank you baby Jesus. I will never doubt you again.

Amen.

**

* * *

****Note:**

This is the eleventh page. I am shocked. The last time I wrote anything eleven pages long, it was general studies coursework and it was completely crap.

Anyways, here's hoping that at least some of you enjoyed it.


	8. Mature Like Cheddar

**Chapter Eight - Mature Like Cheddar**

**Disclaimer: **As if I own anything remotely decent. I am nought but a poor student.

**Dedication: **To everyone what had exams in January. To everyone who's reading this. To everyone else who was rudely awoken by a sodding great earthquake last night.

**Note:** It might have been a little bit long coming. Just a little bit. There might have been school stuff getting in the way. I might've spent all of December being ill. I might've spent all of January revising. I might've spent all of February procrastinating. I might be making excuses for my own sheer laziness.

Anyways, here goes nothing...

* * *

**Thursday August 25****th**

**1:35pm**

I am soooo happy! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the so-called family have all buggered off for the day, leaving me to get ready for my date with Robbie in peace.

**1:40pm**

I'm supposed to be there in an hour and a half. I'd better start my make-up.

**2:20pm**

My natural-look make-up is almost done. Just the merest hint of foundation, blusher, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lip gloss. I am preparing myself to put the false eyelashes on. It is a delicate art. Too little glue and they'll fall right off, which will be embarrassing. Too much glue, and… well, there's no need to go down that road again. I don't think I will ever get over the sheer humiliation of dancing half-blind to that Rolf Harris song.

**2.25pm**

What to wear? My new pencil skirt is nice, but I think I wore it last time I saw him. Maybe my black jeans, but it's about ten million degrees outside and I don't want to melt.

Oh God, I've got to leave in half an hour and at this rate I'll be going in my nuddy-pants.

**2:29pm**

Right, that's it. I am wearing my purple top and my shorty shorts and that is that. _Fineto._

**2:30pm**

Do the shorts look better with my blue top?

**2:31pm**

Maybe I shouldn't wear the shorts at all. Robbie is, after all, a bloke. A muchos gorgey and sexy one, with added phwoooaaar, but he is still a bloke. He probably can't remember me wearing the skirt.

**2:31 and a half pm**

Is it really worth the risk, though?

**2:33pm**

The phone is ringing, thank God. It saves me from any more decisions about what to wear.

**2:34pm**

'Hello?'

'_Buonjourneo_.'

'Oh God.'

'No, it's Rosie. Party at mine next week. Bring Robbie.'

I could hear Sven in the background, making parrot noises.

'What's the theme?'

'Magic. Go as what you want. Me and Sven are going as fairies.'

'Does that mean Sven will be wearing tights?'

'Naturally.'

I hung up. There is nothing natural about an eight-foot Swedish lunatic wearing tights.

**2:40pm**

Leaving for Robbie's. Angus was sitting on the wall. He patted me on the head as I went past. Bless him. He is my only real friend in this house. I'm really going to miss him when I go to Hogwarts.

I stroked his head and said to him, 'Angus, I am really going to miss you next year.'

Then he savagely attacked my hand and I slightly changed my mind. A year of peace and quiet awaits!

**3:00pm**

Walking up Robbie's street. I do hope that Jas-and-Tom aren't there. I don't want them cramping my style (so to speak).

**3:03pm**

I have been seeing Robbie for ages now. Well, over a week, and then there was all that time before he went off to snog marsupials. Anyway, you'd think that I'd be over the nervousness by now, but no. My hands are sweating like crazy.

**3:04pm**

Maybe there's something wrong with my hands. Maybe I have sweaty hand syndrome.

**3:05pm**

Who is going to want a girlfriend with really sweaty hands?

Nobody, that's who.

**3:06pm**

Shut up, brain.

**3:07pm**

Knocking on the door.

**3:08pm**

The door was opened by Jas and Tom. Excellent.

Tom said 'Robbie had to go out, but he'll be back soon. We're having a Lord of the Rings movie marathon if you want to join us.'

Oh God. A million hours of watching midgets and hairy things ponce around with swords. I'd rather eat my own eyebrows. If they think I am joining them they are sadly mistaken.

**3:16pm**

I am accidentally watching Lord of the Rings. God, it's so utterly rubbish.

**3:20pm**

I cannot believe that this is what Jas and Tom do for fun. Even sniffing voles, or whatever it is that they usually do would be better than this.

**3:25pm**

Where on middle earth is Robbie? How could he do this to me?

**3:30pm**

I'm giving Robbie five more minutes and then I'm going home.

**3:35pm**

Right, that's it. I told Jas and Tom that I was going to get a drink, although really I am going home. Home sweet home, to the psycho kittykats and mental family.

**3:35 and a half pm**

Robbie burst through the front door just as I was going to open it. It didn't half make me jump.

As soon as I saw him my knees went all jelloid. Every time I see him it's like I've forgotten how gorgey he is. Or maybe he just gets more gorgey with each passing minute. Who knows?

Shutup, brain.

Robbie kissed me and said, 'Sorry I'm late, Gee. Were you about to go?'

I said, 'Yes. Jas and Tom were making me watch orcs so I left before I was forced to strangle them.'

Robbie laughed and kissed me again. 'I was at band practice and it overran a bit.'

I said, 'What band?'

'The Stiff Dylans.'

Oh marv. My boyfriend and my ex-nearly-almost-boyfriend in a band together, Talking to each other. Talking about me. What if Masimo tells Robbie about all of the very very embarrassing things that have happened to me since he's been in Kiwi-a-go-go?

I think Robbie could tell what I was thinking, because he quickly followed up with, 'Yeah, Masimo's going to visit his relatives in Italy for a month, and they've got a bunch of gigs lined up, so Dom asked me to join.'

Bloody hell and also blimey. Everything has gone from _merde_ to brilliant in the space of a nanosecond! Not only do I now have a rock 'n roll star boyfriend, but Masimo is going away and won't be back until after I've gone to Hogwarts. Everything in my life is finally coming together.

Well, almost.

**6:15pm**

Robbie and me were quite happily snogging when Jas and Tom banged on the door and asked if we wanted to go into town with them and get some dinner. I wanted to tell them to go away and leave us to snog in peace, but then my stomach remembered that it hadn't eaten anything for six hours and rumbled rather loudly. I thought my head would drop off from redness but Robbie just laughed in a nice way and said we'd go with them.

**6:25pm**

Robbie is borrowing his parents car to drive into town. It is sooo cool having a boyfriend who can drive. In fact I must remember to boast about it to Jas later. Her boyfriend can't drive.

Even if Robbie did sell his cool Mini and is now driving his parents Rover. At least it's not as completely crap as Vati's clown car. It has four wheels for a start.

**6:55pm**

**In the café**

I am so annoyed. We have been sitting her for nearly twenty minutes now, and I haven't seen a single person I know. I said as much to Jas, while Robbie and Tom were off getting drinks.

'It's sooo very annoying, Jas. Here I am, out in public with a Sex God and I haven't see a single person I know. What's the point of having a Sex God if there's nobody around to show off to?'

Jas said, 'Wasn't that your next-door-neighbour waiting at the bus stop?'

I said, 'Yes, but Mr Next Door doesn't really count as a person. He's more like a walking bottom.'

Jas said, 'What are you going as for Rosie's party?'

Good question.

'I haven't decided yet, although I definitely won't be going as a stuffed olive again. I still haven't got over the humiliation of the last time I did that, and it was years ago now.'

Jazzy Spazzy said, 'Tom and me are going as pirates.'

'Pirates aren't magical.'

Jas ignored me and said, 'We're going to get matching bandannas.'

I said 'Wow' in the most sarcastic way I could manage, but Jas didn't notice.

**7:15pm**

Jas said to me, 'Look, there's someone we know,' and pointed behind me.

Oh Christ, it was Nauseating P. Green with her mum and dad. Oh God, what if they wanted to talk to me? People might think we were friends. I'd have to leave the country.

I crouched down in my seat and put my hood up. Robbie and Tom, who hadn't heard Jas, both looked at me like I was mental or something. Which I probably am, but that's not the point. The point is that I really don't want to have to talk to P. Green.

Jas said, 'You're being childish, Gee. How bad can talking to P. Green possibly be?'

I said, 'What if she starts talking about her hamsters?'

Jas said, 'Good point.' And she crouched down with me and put her hood up too.

Robbie and Tom now looked as though they thought the mentalness was contagious, but that was a small price to pay to avoid talking about hamsters.

**7:20pm**

I absolutely cannot talk to the P. Greens. What if they invite me round to their house again? I might actually have to kill myself, and only a few minutes ago life was looking so good.

**7:30pm**

The P. Greens didn't see us, but they've sat at a table right next to the door. Drat and double drat. There is no way of getting out without them seeing us.

Why do they continually haunt me?

Jas said, 'We're going to have to walk past them.'

I said, 'We could just stay here all night instead, and not go near them.' But the others overruled me.

**7:35pm**

I kept my hood up as we were leaving but it was no good. Mrs P. Green noticed me straight away.

'Georgia! How lovely to see you!'

I nodded and said hello and made to walk past them but she was still talking.

'We haven't seen you in simply ages! You must come round after school one day and talk to Pamela. I know the two of you are such good friends.'

I said, 'Yes, that would be nice,' but inside I was doing a little dance because I won't be going to school next year.

Mrs P. Green was about to say something else when I had a flash of genius and whatnot.

'Well, it was lovely to see you all again, but we've got to run now. We double parked and I think I can see a traffic warden.' And I grabbed Robbie's hand and Jas's arm and quite literally ran for the door.

**7:37pm**

**In Robbie's car.**

Jas said, 'Blimey, that was close.'

I said, 'The sooner we get to Scotland, the better.' Which is something I never thought I'd hear myself say, but desperate times call for desperate thingies.

**8:35pm**

I got Robbie to drop me off at Jas's so that he didn't see Vati's stupid clown car or any of my embarrassing family. It is such hard work being the girlfriend of a Sex God.

Actually, it turned out to be bloody good thinking on my part. When I got home, Mr Next Door was banging on the front door and shouting swear words at nobody in particular. I think he may finally have gone completely bonkers.

I said to him, as politely as possible, 'Is there anything wrong, or are you just shouting at our door for the sheer fun of it?'

He turned and glared at me.

'Your bloody animal has just destroyed my car!'

What the heck?

I said, 'Don't be foolish, Angus can't drive.'

Mr Next Door wasn't having any of it though. Apparently he caught Angus stalking his car and now three of the tyres have burst.

I said to him, 'Angus is a wild animal. He thinks the car is a predator from the Scottish Highlands. He has bravely and valiantly defeated it.'

Mr Next Door kept raving on though. I may have to get him a glowstick.

'It's going to cost me four hundred quid to get those tyres replaced! Where am I going to find that sort of money?'

I thought about telling him to sell his bottom to medical science, but I decided not to say it out loud.

Mr Next Door was still moaning and I really couldn't be bothered to talk to him any longer. So I shouted, 'Oh, look, a deciduous piece of foliage!' and while he was distracted I legged it inside.

**8:45pm**

Mutti and Vati were hiding in the kitchen. They said they were just in there to make a cup of tea, but they were quite obviously hiding from Mr Next Door.

Vati said, 'Georgia, we're going to have to do something about Angus. He's becoming a complete menace.'

I said, 'Angus has always been a complete menace and it's never been a problem before.'

Vati said, 'We can't have him harassing the neighbours. I'm sorry, but if he keeps it up we're going to have to get rid of him.'

WHAT?

Get rid of Angus? It will be a cold day in hell before I let that happen.

Vati was trying (and failing) to be all reasonable. 'Look, Georgia, it's not fair on the neighbours.'

I said to him, 'If you get rid of Angus I will never forgive you. You will no longer be my Vati. You will be beyond dead to me. Can't we just make Mr Next Door leave instead?'

But Mutti and Vati just did that grown-up tutting thing that is so very crap.

**9:15pm**

After much begging and pleading on my part, Vati has agreed to not get rid of Angus. Result!

**9:17pm**

I walked into my room to find Angus and Gordy curled up on my bed. Angus had a piece of rubber in his mouth that probably came from Mr Next Door's tyres. Ah well.

I said to him, 'Angus, you are on your very lastest warning. If you upset the rents again they are going to disown you. And that will mean no more kittykat treats and you will have to catch your own dinner.'

Not that that would be such a problem for Angus. I find something dead in my room at least twice a week.

I could tell that Angus understood everything I said because he was looking me right in the eye. I tried to pat him on the head but he swiped at my hand, and I left him alone. I've still got the scratches from last time.

**9:25pm**

Oh Jesus Christ and also God. There is a dead mouse in the bath. That is the most disgusting thing I have seen in at least a week.

Mutti and Vati will go ballistic if they see it. I'd better get rid of it.

**9:30pm**

I used Mutti's eyebrow curlers and some nail scissors to lever the mouse into the toilet. Now all I have to do is flush it away, and World War Three will have been successfully prevented!

**9:31pm**

Bugger and thrice bugger. The mouse won't flush! I've tried three times now and it keeps popping back up.

**9:32pm**

Oh Baby Jesus, this is beyond a joke. Why on earth don't mice flush?

And that is another sentence I never thought I'd hear myself say.

**9:33 and a half pm**

Where is the toilet brush? I need something to poke the mouse down.

**9:34pm**

Oh Goddy god, I can't find the loo brush and the mouse is still there. Floating.

I cannot believe my life.

**9:35pm**

Now that I think about it, I'm almost certain that I've seen the look brush in Libby's room.

Note to self: Do not, under any circumstances, mention anything to Robbie about flushing mice down toilets.

**9:38pm**

Right, that's it. I give up. Mutti and Vati will have to get rid of Angus, and all because this stupid mouse won't flush.

**9:55pm**

From the safety of my room I heard Libby go into the bathroom. Oh dear God, she's going to be scarred for life.

**9:58pm**

I can hear her plodding down the stairs. She's saying something. What is it?

**9:59pm**

I couldn't resist looking out of my bedroom door. Libby is in the hall now. She's got something in her hands. Oh God, please don't tell me she got the unflushable mouse out of the toilet. The rents will go completely ballisticus.

'Mummeeeeeee! Look what I found!'

'What is it, Libs?'

'Surprise!'

**10:05pm**

Mutti screamed so loudly that Vati came running in from the other end of the garden. Well, I say 'running', it was more of a highly-amusing shambolic jog.

Mutti and Vati went mental as per usual, although not as mental as they would've gone if they'd found it in the bath/toilet.

Vati said, 'That cat has GOT to go.'

I tried to reason with him. 'Angus only catches mice as a present for us, because he loves us and we are too stupid and baldy to catch our own mice.'

Vati went on, 'No, he catches mice for us because he quite clearly has a death wish.'

I was about to argue some more when Mum said, 'Why is the mouse so wet?'

I don't want blaming for this whole incident, and I certainly don't want them to find out that the mouse has been in both the bath and the toilet, so I retreated to the safety of my room.

**Sunday August 28th**

**10:35am**

Angus is on his very very lastest warning. Although I honestly don't see how Mutti and Vati could ever get rid of him. He'd just come straight back and break through a window or something.

Anyways, I have more important matters to be dealing with. Like what the buggery am I going to wear to this party? It's in three days and I haven't got a clue.

**10:40am**

Why did Rosie have to make it fancy dress? Doesn't she realise that I have enough trouble deciding what to wear at the best of times?

**11:25am**

Right, this calls for an emergency Ace Gang meeting.

**Sitting in Luigi's**

**1:00pm**

The party theme has gone from 'Magic' to good old 'Fancy Dress', which makes matters slightly simpler. Although I still haven't got the faintest idea of what to wear.

Rosie and Sven are fairies. Jas and Tom are pirates. Mabs is going as a tree and Jools is going as Marilyn Manson. I asked her if she meant Marilyn Monroe but she said no. Apparently going as Marilyn Manson will be 'more of a laugh, right?'.

It's just me and Ellen who are stuck in the vat of confusiosity and indecision. And Ellen permanently lives there, so that's of no comfort to me.

Jas said, 'You could wear your Hogwarts stuff and go as a witch.'  
I said, 'First of all, that idea lacks originality, and second, those robes are deeply unflattering. I don't want to give Robbie any reason to dump me for marsupials again.

Jools said, 'So Robbie's going to the party then?'

I said, 'Yes, but he has a gig with the band first, so he won't get there til about eleven.'

Mabs said to Rosie, 'Who else is going to the party?'

Rosie was about to reply when we heard someone yell, 'STREWTH AND CRIKEY, MATE!' and Dave the Laugh and all his mates turned up.

For some reason they were all wearing those weird hats with corks in. The ones that are so popular among mental people in Australia (hereafter known as Spider-a-gogo).

**1:30pm**

Dave's mate Ed has just come back from Spider-a-gogo, which explains the hats, and the fact that they are all talking in the most crap Australian accent I have ever heard.

**1:45pm**

This is the first real proper time I've seen Dave since I got back with Robbie. Luckily we are surrounded by friends and it isn't at all awkward.

**1:50pm**

Walking home with the gang. It is a million degrees outside, which I suppose is thanks to global warming.

I said to Jazzy, 'I do love this weather. It really feels like summertime. If it keeps up like this I might have to leave lights on more often.'

Jas was in one of her many, many annoying moods and said, 'Over sixty-five breeds of penguin are in danger of extinction because of climate change.'

Penguins? What have penguins got to do with anything?

I said to Jas, 'Yes, but they aren't even real birds because they can't fly. If they could fly then they could leave the south pole and live somewhere else. It's entirely their own fault.'

Jas was about to ramble on some more but I quickly interrupted.

'And anyway, when I get home I can sunbathe in the garden and I may get a tan.'

And then I went ahead to talk to Rosie and Sven before Jas could annoy me any more.

**2:10pm**

Everyone has gone their own separate ways and it's just me and Dave the Laugh left. Luckily we are such good mates that it's not at all awkward.

**2:13pm**

We've been walking along in silence for the last three minutes. And it's an awkward silence, not a good one. Why is this so rubbish? I want Dave to be my official bestest boy mate and also Horn Advisor.

**2:15pm**

I said to Dave, 'So what are you going as for Rosie's party?'

Dave said, 'Jesus.'

'Seriously?'

'Yep.'

'Blimey.' That is really quite an hilarious idea. 'Are you going to turn water into wine?'

Dave looked at me all seriously and said, 'I can turn water into Ribena.'

I said, 'Fair enough.'

Dave said, 'So what are you going as, kittykat? A French maid? A lady of the night?'

I elbowed him in the stomach and said, 'Ha ha. Actually I haven't got a clue.'

Dave said, 'Why don't you wear your horns and go as a bison?'

I just looked at him.

**2:20pm**

Dave said, 'So how are things going with you and Robbie?'

I said, 'Beyond marv, although we only have a week left together until Christmas.'

Dave said, 'So you're happy then?'

I said, 'I get a year off from Stalag 14, a gorgey Sex God for a boyfriend and a year away from my crap family. My life is almost perfect.'

It's true. I cannot believe how brilliant my life has accidentally become. In fact, I would like to take a moment to thank God and also Jesus (the real Jesus, not Dave).

**2:25pm**

Dave and me are sitting on the wall outside my house. It is sooo nice being able to talk to him all normal again. I had forgotten what a good mate he is.

I said, 'Dave, are you still going to be my official Horn Advisor? Even now that I only have the Particular Horn for Robbie?'

Dave said, 'Kittykat, don't try to tell me you only have the Particular Horn when I saw you and Mabs looking at that waiter not half an hour ago.'

I said, 'For your information I was looking at him as a favour for Mabs, because I am such a good mate.'

Dave said, 'Of course you were. Anyways, I will always be your Horn Advisor. I have much experience with the call of the Horn. I have studied it for many years.'

I said, 'I bet you have,' and we both burst out laughing.

**2:35pm**

Me and Dave were innocently chatting when Vati leaned out of the upstairs window and started doing his usual moaning shenanigans.

'Georgia, your mother and I are going out for a bit and you need to come inside and babysit Libby.'

Oh dear Lord, am I never to be free of my family? I refuse to babysit Libby. Last time she spent the entire evening trying to give Angus a bath, which, needless to say, ended up with the bathroom flooding and Angus going absolutely ballisticus.

I said to Vati, 'I'm trying to have a conversation here, you know.'

Vati said, 'Stop being so insufferably rude and get inside.'

I was about to say something back when the most unbelievably brilliant thing happened. Vati was leaning out of the window when Angus jumped on his back and used him as a launch pad to leap onto the tree outside. And Vati was so surprised that he fell out of the window! And landed flat on his back on the bush outside!

**2:36pm**

Dave and I were laughing so much that I actually fell off the wall. In fact, I think I may have cracked some ribs. I don't care though, it was worth it.

Angus was still in the tree, looking for all the world as if nothing was wrong.

**2:40pm**

Mum came rushing out of the house yelling, 'Bob! What happened?'

I heard Vati say, 'That bloody cat has got to go,' as mum helped him up.

Mum said, 'Bob, I think you need to go to the hospital, just in case.'

Dave said to me, 'I'm off now. Nice knowing you, kittykat.' And with that he quite literally ran away, leaving me to deal with my two unreasonable parents.

**2:45pm**

Mutti got Vati into the car. Vati was being completely unreasonable and is insisting that Angus has to go. Fat chance of that. Angus has given me the biggest laugh in years.

**2:48pm**

I hate my parents. Just because Vati was stupid enough to fall out of a window, I now have to look after Libby until they get back from the hospital.

**3:15pm**

I still don't know what to wear to Rosie's party. I need something matureish, so that Robbie doesn't think I'm too young for him again. And also something sexy, so that Robbie still fancies me.

**3:30pm**

I might just have to follow Jas's advice and go as a witch. Obviously not in the Hogwarts stuff. I've got a short black skirt and a black top and boots that will do nicely.

**3:45pm**

Against my better judgement I decided to phone Dave, what with him being my official Horn Advisor.

'Hello?'

'Hi Dave. Tis me.'

'Hello kittykat. If you're ringing for phone sex you're going to have to pay.'

'Shutup Dave. Actually I need some help.'

**3:56pm**

I told Dave that I need to look both mature and sexy.

He said, 'How mature do you want to look? Mature like cheddar?'

I said, 'Dave, I am not going as a cheese.'

**4:10pm**

I have got to be more mature than Dairylea, but not as mature as mature cheddar, because that is just boring. Dave's exact words were, 'Kittykat, you must be Babybel in fishnets.'

I hung up after that.

**4:30pm**

Libby came barging in, yelling, 'Heggo bad boy! I am the eggplant yes! Gingey read story!'

And she threw a book at my head.

Harry Potter. Oh, the irony.

**4:40pm**

I know that I should really read this book the whole way through, given what's happening to us all in less that a week, but I just can't be bothered.

**4:45pm**

Libby is bored of Harry Potter and has gone to annoy Gordy instead.

**5:15pm**

I was in the middle of watching Friends when Libby came into the living room and threw Gordy at me. She had drawn on him in lipstick and had what I suspect to be my fishnet tights wrapped around his head. To my utter surprise he was purring.

**5:30pm**

Joy of joys, my beloved parents are back from the hospital. Unfortunately they haven't thrown Vati in a loony bin.

**5:45pm**

Mutti and Vati came into the living room looking all serious. This cannot be good.

Mutti said, 'Look, Georgia, we've been thinking. Angus is going to have to go. He's becoming too much of a liability.'

I cannot believe this. Angus has always been a liability. Why is it such a problem now?

I said to them, 'If you get rid of Angus I am going to disown you as parents. I will move out and start drinking and doing drugs.'

Vati said, 'Don't be so bloody ridiculous.' But I mean every word of it.

Mum said, 'Look, we've thought it through and we've decided that the best thing to do is for Angus and Gordy to go with you to Hogwarts. After all, Angus is your cat, and if he stays here we will have to get rid of him.'

Oh no. I cannot take Angus and Gordy to Hogwarts. As much as I love them, I don't want to be known as 'the girl with the crazy cats'. I cannot stand the humiliation.

But if Angus and Gordy stay here the rents will cruelly and heartlessly throw them out. It's a tough world out there. I can't leave them all alone.

Dammit, they're going to have to come with me. And just when I thought I was leaving all the psychopaths behind.

**6:30pm**

On the phone to Jas.

'Jas, where is Hogwarts?'

'It's in Scotland.'

'Yeah, but whereabouts? Is it in the Highlands?'

'Probably. I don't think anyone knows. It's magic.'

Oh dear. Angus will go even more mental than usual in the Scottish Highlands. He was, after all, born there.

My life is over and it had barely even begun.

**Wednesday August 31****st**

**10:30am**

Up at the crack of dawn to get ready for the party.

**12:00pm**

Got my rollers in for extra bouncability, and I have phoned the entire Ace Gang to check what they are wearing.

Jas is a pirate, Mabs is a tree, Rosie is a fairy, Jools is Marilyn Manson and Ellen is going as a butterfly. Dave is still going as Jesus and Robbie is going as a rock n roll star because he won't have time to change after the gig.

I am actually rather excited about the party. It will be the first official time that I have been with Robbie in front of lots and lots of people who I know. Plus, Ro-Ro will make sure that no idiots like Wet Lindsay will turn up.

**12:35pm**

Angus and Gordy are making the most of their last few days of freedom by wreaking complete havoc upon Mr Next Doors poodles. I think they have realised that poodle-baiting opportunities are going to be very thin on the ground in the near future.

**2:30pm**

I have got my outfit ready for tonight. I have accidentally followed Jas's advice and am going as a witch. Although not in the Hogwarts stuff. Not only are those robes the single most unflattering thing known to mankind, but who wants to go to a party in school uniform?

Anyways, I have my black low-cut top, my short black skirt and Mutti's black leather boots, if I can sneak them out the house without her noticing. She can be so very unreasonable about me borrowing her things.

**3:00pm**

Is it too much black? I don't want people to think I've gone Goth.

Maybe I should swap the black top for my dark purple one.

**3:15pm**

But I really want to wear the black top.

**3:20pm**

I can wear my Hogwarts hat. Even though it is very crap and possibly even worse than the beret.

But it will be blatantly obvious to everyone that I am a witch, not a Goth, and I can wear the black top.

**3:30pm**

On the phone to Jas.

**3:35pm**

Jas thinks that if I 'go easy on the eyeliner' I can wear the black top without looking too Gothic. But what does she know?

**3:40pm**

Rosie thinks I should go as a Goth instead. But I don't want to. I'm not pale enough.

**4:23pm**

The phone rang. It was Robbie, calling from band rehearsal.

'Hi, Gee.'

'Hello, Robbie. How are you?'

Blimey. I'd said an entire five words to Robbie, and not one of them was complete nonsense. I was so surprised that I dropped the phone on my foot. It hurt, but at least everything's back to normal.

Band practise is going well. They're playing a new song tonight. I would almost rather go to the gig than to Rosies, but I know that Jas would kill me.

Robbie said 'I love you' just before he hung up. How romantic is that? And also slightly bizarre.

But he said he loved me! I must phone Jas immediately.

**4:30pm**

'Robbie phoned a few minutes ago and he told me he loved me!'

'That's nice.'

'Jas, I am your besty mate, You could sound a little more enthusiastic.'

'I'm trying to get my bandanna straight.'

Oh dear God. Jas's bandanna problems are apparently more important than Robbie saying he loved me. I would've fallen out with her, but everyone is meeting up at her house before we go to Rosie's.

**5:30pm**

I have applied my base layer and have painted my nails purple. Unfortunately Angus and Gordy have stolen my Hogwarts hat. I don't even want to know why.

**6:30pm**

While Mutti was making dinner (ie. putting things in the microwave) I managed to steal her black boots from the bottom of her wardrobe. The psycho kittykats saw me, but who are they going to tell?

**7:30pm**

I nearly fell down the stairs when Angus and Gordy started attacking my feet, but eventually I made it too the front door unscathed. Mutti and Vati were in the living room, so I left before Mum saw me in her boots.

**7:45pm**

Met the gang at Jas's house. Everyone looked suitably weird. Jools in particular looked rather terrifying in her Marilyn Manson outfit. Jas and Tom looked spectacularly sad in their matching bandannas. The matching bandannas that are more important than me. I have been giving Jas the cold shoulder, although she hasn't noticed yet. Typical.

**7:55pm**

Ellen is panicking over whether Dave the Laugh will be there or not.

'He, er, like, said he would be there, but, um, like, yeah, what if, like…'

I said, 'Ellen, he said that he would go, ergo he's going to be there. Possibly dressed as the son of God.'

It is really quite pathetic. I though Ellen was supposed to be getting over Dave. In fact, I may have to mention that to her.

**8:02pm**

Ellen's response was, 'Well, he's just, er, you know, he's like, um…'

Oh dear God, why did I ever ask? It's going to take ten years to get a proper response.

To pass the time I started singing 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA in my head. I don't know why.

**8:30pm**

When we got to Rosie's house Sven opened the door in green tights. There should really be a law against that sort of thing.

**8:35pm**

I said to Rosie, 'Sven's tights leave nothing to the imagination.'

She said, 'I know, isn't it marvellous?'

Sometimes I really worry about my friends. Rosie finds a twelve-foot Swedish lunatic in green tights attractive. Ellen is obsessed with Dave the Laugh. Jas is way too interested in bandannas and Jools is dressed up as Marilyn Manson.

Then I remembered that I am quite probably clinically insane and I have a nose the size of a small country. And for some reason, that reassured me.

**9:00pm**

Dave the Laugh and all his mates arrived singing 'I am the Resurrection'. It did make me laugh. Dave is in full Jesus gear. He's even got a (fake) beard, and sandals.

**9:10pm**

Dave is coming over to talk to me. I must remember not to do accidental snogging with him. I do, after all, have a boyfriend who loves me. Dave is now a thing of the past.

**9:12pm**

Dave said, 'Hello, kittykat.'

I said, 'Jesus.'

Dave said, 'How are you?'

I said, 'Marvellous, thank you. And you?'

He said, 'This is too polite, kittykat.'

I said, 'Well, you are the son of God. Surely that commands a certain respect?'

Dave said, 'I would like to think so.'

And then his false beard fell off into his drink and I nearly died of laughter.

**9:20pm**

Me and Dave have been chatting since the beard incident. It is sooo nice having him as a mate, without any risk of snogging. I could see Ellen watching us, so I thought I ought to put in a good word for her.

I must be subtle, though. Luckily, subtlety is one of my many good qualities.

'Dave, did you know that Ellen is one of the nicest people I have ever met?'

Dave looked at me funny and said, 'I'm not going to go out with her, kittykat. She's just not my type, and besides, Ed fancies her.'

Who?

Dave pointed at one of his mates, who was indeed staring at Ellen. Ellen was completely oblivious, of course.

I said, 'That is very interesting.'

**10:00pm**

Everyone has paired up and gone off snogging, leaving all the singletons and those people whose boyfriends are busy being rock stars. The only person I have left to talk to is Ellen. And all she wanted to talk about was Dave.

She was saying, 'I don't think he's, um, seeing anyone. But I don't know what else to try to make him like me.'

Blimey. An entirely coherent sentence from Ellen. I looked around and it didn't even seem like the end of the world.

I said, 'Why don't you try playing hard to get?'

She just stared at me.

I said, 'Ed over there has been watching you all night. He definitely fancies you. You could use him as a red herring-type-thing.'

Ellen said, 'Which one is Ed?'

I pointed him out to her and she said, 'He is quite good-looking.'

I said, 'Go and talk to him. Someone said he's really nice.' I had to be careful not to mention Dave, or she'd end up pining after him all night.

**10:45pm**

Ed and Ellen have been chatting to each other for the last half an hour. I have quite clearly planted the seeds of love there. Now all I need is my reward, in the form of a Sex God fresh from a gig.

**11:05pm**

_Ou-est le _Sex God?

**11:10pm**

Tom just told me that Robbie would be here in a couple of minutes. Excellent!

I stole Jas and we went to the loo to do a quick make-up check. And also to talk, since I hadn't seen her in forever.

I said, 'I have found Ellen a boyfriend-type-person. He is called Ed and he is apparently very nice.'

Jas said, 'Me and Tom were looking at the creatures in Ro-Ro's pond. It was fascinating. We think we saw a newt.'

I said, 'That's brilliant, Jas.' But inside I was screaming.

**11:15pm**

There was a knock on the bathroom door. Robbie and Tom were outside. Robbie looked a bit surprised to see me in there with Jas. I do hope he doesn't think I've gone lesbian. That is quite possibly the very last thing I need right now.

He looked uber-gorgey in all his gig stuff. It was very hard to resist the urge to jump on him and snog him senseless, but I remembered that we were surrounded by other people and must a

**11:40pm**

Me and Robbie went into the back garden. Robbie said he was going to look at the stars with me. I do hope it's not as geeky as it sounds. If he starts talking about supermassive black holes and champagne supernovas like we learned in physics last year, I may just have to strangle him.

Actually, I haven't got a clue what we learned in physics last year, since I was sensible enough to put my headphones in every lesson and doze off at the back of the class. As I have said before, Herr Kamyer has a very relaxing voice. I do hope we have a teacher like him at Hogwarts.

**11:48pm**

I asked Robbie about the gig and he said it went well. Everyone liked the new song. He said he'd play it for me next time I went round to his. He's going to cook a proper meal for me on Friday.

Then we snogged for a bit and got to number six. And a half.

**11:55m**

Robbie has been pointing out all the different stars to me and telling me their names. To be honest I wasn't really listening. Those stars are a squillion miles away and probably not very important.

While we were looking at the stars Robbie said, 'I'm really going to miss you when you leave for Scotland, Gee.'

How sweet and romantic is that? It makes a nice change from home, where they are counting down the days on a calendar.

Unfortunately all my brain could think of in response was 'nuuggghhh'. Why oh why can I never say anything remotely intelligent?

Eventually I managed to say, 'You and Tom will come and visit whenever you can, right?'

Robbie said, 'Of course we will. I'm not losing you to a bunch of guys wearing skirts.'

For a brief moment I thought Robbie had gone almost as insane as I am. But then I remembered that in Och-Aye-Land skirts are considered the norm for blokes.

I really am beginning to have second thoughts about going.

**12:00pm**

We ended up lying in Rosie's garden, just looking at the stars and occasionally. I saw a shooting star, and I wished very hard that my life could always be this happy. I even said so much to Robbie, who just smiled and kissed me.

* * *

**Note: **I may jest about a bit, but I am honestly so surprised and shocked that so many of you have stuck with this for so long. It is really quite surreal, but in a good way. And I will try my very damnedest to make sure that you never have to wait so long for a new chapter again. 

Hope you all enjoyed it.


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